Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Changes, heartache & reasons to be thankful.

I realized today that I haven't done a blog post in over a month. I'm going to try to get back in the habit of writing at least weekly again. 

Today is the last day of November. I just can't believe how fast this year has gone by. December is all about Christmas and then of course Miss E's 2nd birthday! I just can't believe she is about to be 2!

Thanksgiving was bittersweet this year. This was the first year without Helen & Wynnelle. I will always cherish last year, that was the last time I saw them & I love that Miss E got to meet them and we got pictures of them together. This was also the first year that we didn't go see my aunt, uncle & cousin. We haven't spoken since our falling out in Aug. We had a wonderful time & amazing food, but like I said, it was bittersweet. It sucks to not have family around the holidays, but this is something that they were in the wrong about & I honestly feel like I have nothing to apologize for. The great thing was that Brandon actually got so spend Thanksgiving with us. He was out of town last year. He actually got to spend 4 days straight with us, it was so nice to have him around so much.

The day after Thanksgiving we put the tree up. Miss E loved helping putting the ornaments on, and just like last year, her and Brandon put the star on the top together. I love moments like that, it was an awesome memory made. Miss E has done very well with the tree, she loves pointing at it and saying "doodle's tree"! I am so glad that we bought all of her Christmas gifts early, we are tight on money so that is one less thing to be stressed about. I think Brandon & I have decided to not do gifts for each other. There is nothing that either of us particularly need, so it's just not a big deal to me. The older I've gotten, the less I care about getting gifts. I just really cherish the time together & seeing Miss E's eyes light up on Christmas morning. That to me is better than anything material. Last Sunday we took her(a long with Brandon's cousin, wife and their daughter who is 8 months old) to Bass Pro Shops to see Santa. She didn't like him very much, we got some great crying pics. After we walked around some, we went back and this time I held her and we got a family pic with Santa, it was much better, no tears=)

Miss E is going to be 2 in less than 2 months. We are doing a Minnie Mouse birthday party since that is her obsession. I think we are going to do the party at our house since last year was stressful doing it at my in laws. But after making the guest list, I don't know how we are going to fit that many people in our house and Brandon thinks that we are too far out for people to come. I think that the people that want to come will make the drive. But I'm tossing around the idea of having it back at their house. We aren't going all out like we did last year, but it will still be special and she will still have fun.

She has grown up so much lately. She goes in her potty regularly, which is awesome to not have to buy as many diapers=) Her vocabulary is quite impressive. She talks in full sentences and is very vocal. She can count to 12 and spell her name. When you ask her what her name is, she will tell you first and last name. People are always surprised when they hear that she isn't even 2! It makes me very proud to be her mom and makes me feel great knowing that she is learning from me. I am so blessed be able to stay home and see all this stuff as it happens. Today she shocked me when she went to the bathroom, took off her pants and diaper, sat on her potty & did her business, got a wipe and wiped herself and threw it in the big potty, then came to me & said "mommy I went potty by myself"! I almost cried. She just can't be that big already.

I was cleaning out Miss E's closet tonight getting all of her clothes that are too small out when I came across her Big Sister shirt. It brought some tears to my eyes. I'd be lying if I didn't say that it doesn't cross my mind every once in a while. But it made me realize that we should be getting ready for a new baby right now, instead of making the office a playroom, we should be turning it into a nursery. I know that God has a reason for it, but I still don't understand it. I know SO many pregnant people right now(seriously the last time we counted, we know of 20!) and when I hear them complain it tugs at my heart a little and I want to tell them to just be thankful, but instead I ignore it and change the subject. Losing 2 pregnancies makes it hard to listen to people who complain about morning sickness and being huge and things like that. I just want to grab them and tell them how lucky they are and to shut up with the complaining. I have people "ignored" on FB just so I don't have to look at their statuses about it.

The other day Brandon and I were talking and I told him that I haven't realized how much I have changed since becoming a mom until we are around other people that we used to be close with and we aren't anymore. I never realized how much it would change me, but I am glad it did. I am proud of the fact that we do research on things and we are very involved. We don't let her get vaccinations "just because it's time and that's what the dr says" We research every single vaccination ahead of time and there have been some that she hasn't gotten bc to us, the risks outweigh the benefits. I am glad that we choose safety and we didn't turn Elyse around in her car seat when she turned 1 bc "it was the thing to do". I have to be honest, it breaks my heart when parents don't put in the time and effort to research things before they just do them. I don't understand why parents wouldn't choose to keep their kids as safe as possible. I didn't realize how much of an attachment parenting person I would be, but I am proud of the fact that I am. I am not going to apologize for doing the absolute best for my child and any future children we have. And I will never stop trying to inform others either. 

Another thing I have noticed recently is my patience for others has gone away...almost completely. I am really considering getting rid of FB because of it. We know a couple who just got on GA(govt assistance) yet they brag about the expensive things they buy. They have nicer stuff than we have every had, yet they have to have assistance?? Things like that piss me off to no extent. Do not come show me your new gadget that you got that costs hundreds of dollars and then in the next breath talk about how broke you are and how thankful you are to be on GA. We could have qualified for GA when Elyse was born, but we didn't apply bc we felt there were people out there worse off than us who needed it more. Now I was on Medicaid when I was pregnant & got laid off, but as soon as Brandon got a job and his insurance benefits kicked in, I was off of it.  Something else I have gotten big on is respect & friendship. I feel like to be a true friend and to be respectful that if you have a problem with the other one, you need to go to them, tell them, and work it out and move on. This is something I have experienced recently. I had an issue with someone, I told her, we talked about it and I thought it was over. We talked after that and I thought everything was fine. Until I saw her friend post something on her FB wall and I noticed a few other things and was told others. Talking behind my back is something I don't tolerate. If I respect you enough to come to you and talk to you, then you should have the same respect for me. Don't send me a text out of the blue acting like you are my friend when clearly you are not. I am too old for crap like that & I don't have the time nor the energy to deal with it.

I think I have been long winded enough for the night. But I really will try to keep my blog more up to date=)