I want my life back.

This is something that is really hard for me to talk about.  My weight is something that I have been struggling with for years now and it's to the point where I'm truly depressed and have very bad self esteem issues.  

When I was in high school, I was very thin.  I had a great metabolism and I was pretty active.  Even then I had self esteem issues due to my adopted mother always pointing out the negative and my aunt would grab my sides and say "look I can pinch an inch", just little stuff like that.  Teenage girls are already so sensitive about this so why they would say that is beyond me.  Looking back, I would give anything to look like that again.  

I moved out when I was 17 and into my friend's house.  It was when I moved out of there that I started gaining weight.  I worked full time as a waitress and ate like crap.  I ate McDonald's late at night bc it was the only thing open when I got off of work late at night.  Not to mention all the drinking I did.  I was 18 and the only person out of all of my friends that had their own place and my room mate was a major drinker so we did a lot of partying.  I knew I was gaining but I was young and didn't care.  I figured a few times on the treadmill and I would be fine.  I probably would have been if I would have gotten my butt on the treadmill.

As the years went by, I just kept getting bigger.  I wish I would have stopped and said enough, but now I'm here, the biggest I have ever been and completely miserable.  I feel completely out of place and I hate seeing people that I haven't seen since high school because I know what they are thinking.  As much as I love my in-laws, I don't really like going to family functions because they are all really small people and I'm the biggest one there.  It's so uncomfortable and I feel like everyone is judging me.  

When I got pregnant with Miss E, I was so sick that I actually lost 20lbs my first trimester.  People kept commenting on how great I looked.  Being pregnant was like a break for me.  I finally didn't have to obsess about my weight, people looked at me and I was the pregnant girl, not the fat girl.  I still ate very healthy during the pregnancy, I did not want to gain too much as I was heavy to begin with. I was not one of those people that ate everything because I had an "excuse". Every time I went for my Dr. appointments, I would step on the scale backwards because I didn't want to know.  After I had her, I felt like a deflated balloon.  My self esteem was at an all time low.  People kept saying "oh you just had a baby so you have an excuse" or "well you had a c-section so it's going to be harder".  But now that Miss E is almost 14.5 months old, I can't say "Oh I just had a baby".  I stopped saying that when she was about 10 months old.  I wasn't going to be one of those women who say they never lost their baby weight when their kid is 5.  


I actually got down below my pre-pregnancy weight when Miss E was just a couple of months old.  Breastfeeding is amazing for weight loss!  But I had a lot of issues with my iron and with postpartum bleeding.  I bled for 18 weeks and was very anemic.  I had to have progesterone shots AND take progesterone pills(2 a day).  For anyone who doesn't know, that's Depo and is awful.  I gained 26 lbs in a month.  It did stop the bleeding and my iron came up, unfortunately the weight stayed.  


I started Weight Watchers about a month and a half ago.  I lost about 15 lbs and now I'm stuck.  I still eat the same things for breakfast and lunch just about every day.  I do eat a more than I should for dinner, but I don't eat horribly.  I still do my elliptical.  I don't know why it is so hard for me to lose weight.  I had a thyroid test done about 3 years ago and it was fine.  I'm due for my annual, which I dread because my MIL is the office manager and has access to my records, meaning she can see my weight.  My Dr. may want me to do another thyroid test, who knows.  


In a few days, I'm going to start a very strict diet.  It's going to be extremely hard and I will probably be a nutcase for a week or so until my body adjusts.  But if it works then it will be worth it.  I'm more determined than ever.  I want to be healthy for myself, but more importantly for my daughter.  I want to be able to play with her and keep up with her.  I don't want to be the fat mom.  I want my self esteem to come back and to feel attractive again.  I just want my life back.

A big change...possibly.

For the past few months my husband and I have been toying with the idea of moving.  We've outgrown our house and we really would like to be closer to family since his job demands so much of his time and he is gone a lot.  

I have mixed emotions about this for many reasons.  The first is that this house feels like home.  It's taken many years for it to feel that way and it didn't truly feel like home until the day we brought Miss E home.  When my husband built this house and moved in 6 years ago he had an old recliner and the box that his trash can came in as a table.  Now it has morphed into a home with so many memories.  Everywhere I look there is a different memory.  Over on the couch is where Brandon proposed to me on Christmas morning 2007.  It's where we started our lives together.  It's where we came and called everyone we knew when we found out we were going to be parents.  It's where we brought Elyse home and she has had all of her firsts. The backyard is my turtle Ricky is buried in a little box.  It's going to be so hard to leave all these memories here.  

The house Brandon is wanting, I'm not too crazy about.  He tells me when can make it whatever we want it to be but I don't see the potential he does.  It was a victim of the flood in 2009 and is completely gutted.  The foundation is still there, we would just rebuild the inside and change the floor plan.  It has it's up's and downs.  I like the fact that Elyse's room would be right next to ours.  It has 4 bedrooms but Brandon want's to knock the wall down to one and make it a dining room.  Our room would still be big and looks almost like ours does now.  The bathroom is not near as big so Brandon said he would find a way to make it comparable to ours now.  I'm spoiled with my big bathroom and my own closet. There's also a building that Brandon could finally store all of his stuff in.  He's been wanting a building and here he would get it. And for the price we could possible get it and rebuild, our mortgage would be about half of what it is now.  The best part is that the backyard backs up to Brandon's parents yard.  We would be in walking distance which would be great!  Some people think that I'm nuts to want to live that close to my in-laws, but honestly I love the idea.  It would be great to have help when Brandon is gone for weeks at a time and to have company because it gets lonely.  I'm lucky and don't have the "dreaded" MIL.  I love my MIL, she has always treated me like on of her own.  Miss E loves her Grammie and I know she would love to be closer to her.

The downs are that if my IL's get a buy out (bc of the flood)  they will be moving and that's the biggest reason of us wanting that house.  I don't know where they would move to, but it wouldn't be within walking distance.  It doesn't have a basement or an attic(like we do now) and I'm just scared that we won't have enough space.  If we do move A LOT of stuff would not be coming with us though.  It's a good opportunity to de-clutter.  The neighborhood is old and the schools are not great.  Of course this is a short term arrangement.  We can flip it (if the market comes back up) before Miss E gets school age.  The yard looks awful, I guess because of the flood.  I want a big yard that Miss E can play in and we can have a swing-set and a baby pool for her. I want her to be able to play outside.  We don't have that here.  We have plenty of land, just not usable yard.  And most importantly, I'm afraid that it won't ever get finished.  My husband is the biggest procrastinator and his job is so demanding that I'm afraid of living between 2 houses indefinitely.  

We don't even know if this house will be available yet.  The owner is waiting to see if she will make anything on the buy out.  We are looking into other houses as well.  I guess I'm just going to continue to pray on it and see where God leads us.

Do I smell poop?

This is a question that(if your a parent)you will ask multiple times a day.  I never knew that my husband and I could talk about poop for over an hour (consistency, color, etc..).  It's just comes with the territory of having a kid.  If you've read my blog in the past, you may have seen the one about Miss E's bowel issues.  I've prayed so hard about this because it has caused her so much pain and discomfort.  I had talked to the specialist about what comes next and what I was told was not good.  It involved some very super invasive measures and anesthesia that Brandon and I were just not comfortable with.  I did not want to see my baby have to go through that.  We decided that we were going to pray on it and give it a little longer before we called back to make the dreaded appointment.

Well God was definitely listening to our prayers and He has answered them in a big way!  The first time was a couple weeks ago.  We were sitting in the living room playing and I caught a whiff of something.  I chalked it up to gas from one of the dogs or Miss E.  I kept smelling it and a few minutes later I checked her diaper and sure enough, there was poop!  She had pooped for the first time in her life without me knowing because there was no strain.  I was so happy that I called Brandon while I was changing her.  It's been pretty consistent the past 2 weeks, we've had maybe 1 or 2 bad episodes. 

This is something most parents take for granted, the fact that their kids poop without them knowing and they may catch a smell and happen to look.  That's never been the case in our household, this has been 14 months in the waiting.  I'm hoping that I'm not jinxing it, I wanted to tell the whole world the first time it happened, but we held our tongues to make sure.  I'm confident that God is watching out for Miss E and that He won't let her have to go through with what would of had to be done.  Here's to hoping that we never have to make that dreaded appointment!! 

"Mama-itis"...good for the soul=)

So as I sit here typing this, Miss E is laying in her bed, she is supposed to be napping, but instead I hear her making barking noises at our dogs.  I can't help but smile as I sit here on the couch listening to her.  I can't even begin to explain how much I love this kid.  She has been such a blessing to us and has made my life so much better.  I love everything about her, her smile seriously lights up my world.  Her hugs and kisses are the best things ever and she can make anything better by just being around you.  It's seriously hard to be in a bad mood with her around because she is always doing something that will make me smile.  Like how she dances constantly.  She doesn't even need music, she just will randomly break out in a dance and I absolutely love it!  She is such a happy Doodle(our nickname for her) and it makes me happy that she is so happy.  It makes me feel like I'm doing something right.

I was always so scared to have a child because I've never really had a role model mother in my life.  I've had 2 "mom's"( I use that word rather loosely)  and neither have been ideal.  I don't think I've ever truly felt a mother's love.  My past has always been a huge part in my fear of having a baby.  I didn't think I could be a mom since I had never really had a good one.  I didn't think I could truly love a baby the way a mom was supposed to love her child.  Everyone told me that my maternal instincts would just kick in, but I feared that I wouldn't have maternal instincts.  Boy was I wrong.

From the day 2 pink lines showed up on the test (May 7th 2009), I was in love. My heart wasn't mine anymore.  It completely belonged to the tiny being growing inside me.  Everyday I just loved her more.  When I heard her first cry, that was the happiest moment of my life(besides being pronounced husband and wife at our wedding).  She was so beat up from a really rough labor but she was the most beautiful perfect thing I had ever laid my eyes on. 

Now she is 14 months old and she is just a little spitfire.  She is full of personality and is really developing into her own person.  She amazes me every single day.  I'm so lucky that I get to stay home with her and be with her all the time.  Brandon calls her my little sidekick and I suppose she is.  We are never really apart..  

People tell me all the time that I'm spoiling her and that she has "mama-itis"  and that is fine with me.  I love the time we spend together.  I want her to feel all the love that I never did growing up.  I never want her to have any doubt that her parents love her no matter what.  There is nothing that she could ever do to make me not love her.  I want her to know that there is nothing that I wouldn't do for her.  I want her to have the happy childhood that I never did.  I never want her to feel the pain and disappointment and the longing to feel loved like I did.  

So when people tell me that I shouldn't co-sleep or shouldn't hold her so much or whatever, I tend to just laugh and tell them that I'm her mother and I get to do whatever I want to do with her.  If I want to old her 24-7, I will.  A little "mama-itis" doesn't bother me one bit!

Random thoughts

So the past few days have been pretty good.  Brandon was home for the second weekend in a row.  He took Elyse and they went to a yard sale and had lunch.  Elyse just loved it, they never get to do things just the two of them and I'm going to make it a point to make sure that they get to do that more often.  I think it will benefit the both of them and I could use the "me" time as well;)  While they were doing that, I went to brunch with my best friend.  It's always great to get to spend some girl time with her catching up.  Afterward I met back up with Brandon and Elyse and we went up to the flea market.  I've been wanting a lap top for awhile so we can get the desk top out of my dining room.  There's a guy up there that sales refurbished ones for pretty cheap so Brandon bought one.  I finally got my dining room table back and that makes me happy!  Then Sunday night we grilled out at our other best friends house.  It was fun and a good way to the end the weekend.

 On a different note, I was excited because I had bought a bunch of clothes for Elyse and me at Old Navy (online) while they were having their sale.  I really needed some shirts for summer and I got like 8.  Well I went to put one on Sunday and they are all too big.  Every single thing I bought for me was too big.  So it looks like Miss E and I will be making a trip to Old Navy (and there's not one close to us) within the next few days to return it all.  Luckily everything I bought her fits good.  

Oh and today I got deleted on someone's Facebook.  There's this post going around that everyone is posting as their status.  It's not correct at all and I pointed it out and she got pissy and deleted me.  Mature right?  It wasn't anyone that I have contact with, just someone that I used to work with so it's not a big deal at all.  I really find it humorous.

I don't really  have much to update, just a bunch of random thoughts, that's all=)

Blast from the past!

That sounds a little weird coming from me since I generally do not like to talk about my past, especially before the age of 11.  But this is one of those good memories that I've held onto over the years and today I am very excited to share this!


I guess it was about two weeks ago, but Brandon was out of town and Elyse was asleep.  I was bored and on Facebook.  For some reason a person popped into my head and I had to look to see if I could find her.  I knew it was a long shot since I have not seen or talked to her since I was probably 9 years old and I was sure she was married and had a new last name.  But I had to try.  I typed in her name and sure enough, there she was.  She did have a new last name, but the old one was there too and I knew by looking at her picture that it was her.  I wrote her a message and I was SO nervous because I was so sure she would not remember me, but I just had to try.  I had to thank her for what she and her family had done for me.  


Now here's the back story:


I was in and out of foster homes until I was 11.  My biological mother just could not keep herself out of trouble. I want to believe that she loved me the best she knew how, but she just couldn't stay out of jail.  My memory is really foggy (the therapist that I went to when I was younger said it was because I had PTSD and didn't want to remember, and I tend to believe this) but I think I was about 9 when I went to a foster home.  I had been to many by this age so it wasn't a big deal.  I just hated that I was separated from my younger brother.  But this home was different, this family was so welcoming.  It was a married couple and their 3 daughters.  They were all older than me and I want to say the youngest was 13.  They made me feel right at home and I never felt awkward around them like I did at the other homes.  I really loved Anna, the youngest. I loved them all, but I was closest to Anna I guess because she was the closest to me in age.  They all treated me like a little sister.  I remember crying when I left there home, begging to not go because that was the first time that I had felt like I was apart of a real family.  Patricia, the mom, was so good to me.  She told me to call anytime I wanted and that I could visit whenever.  I remember going back to their house for a 2nd time when Angie(my bio mom) got locked up.  I don't remember how long I stayed with them in all, but I have so many good memories.  That is the bright spot in a past of so much darkness.  


I have thought of them often and had always wondered how they were, where they ended up, what they look like now, and of course, if they remembered me like I had remembered them, or if I was just another foster child to them.


Well today, I had a message from her on Facebook.  I'm not going to lie, I cried when I read it.  It felt so good to know that she remembers me like I remembered her and that the sisters and mom remembered me as well.  I just can't believe it.  I'm smiling so much as I type this.  


We are trying to make arrangements to meet up.  I can't imagine the emotion that I'm going to feel if it does happen, which I hope with all my heart that it does.  I can't wait for them to see my daughter and hopefully my husband(his damn work schedule).  I can't wait to exchange stories about what we each remember and about all the things that have happened since the last time we've all seen each other.  I hope that they might have some pictures of when I was there since I have none from that time.  It's exciting to see a good piece of my past fall into place in my scattered memory.

Family? What family?

So this past week has been hectic with the passing of a family member and my 13 month old being sick.  I haven't had much time to blog...or really even grieve. 


This has been an eye opening experience for me.  When a family member passes away, usually families grieve together and that helps the healing process.  Well what do you do when you don't have a family to grieve with?  I know I have Brandon and Elyse, they are amazing.  But that's not what I mean.  I mean the people you grew up with, the place where you always can call home, the place where you came from.  I don't have that.  That was very apparent to me the night of the viewing.  When Brandon and I got there (at 7 and the viewing was over at 8)  no one was there.  Not one of my "family" members had stayed.  I had even called one of them and text messaged one telling them I was on my way but I was stuck because of the storm.  I was crushed when I walked into an empty room.   Thank God Brandon was there with me because I probably would have lost it.  Fast forward to the funeral the next day.  Not one person came up and spoke to me.  Some of them I didn't know, but there were a few familiar faces.  My adopted "parents" (and I use the word very loosely) were there and didn't even look my way.  My little brother was there ( my real blood brother) and didn't bother to even glance at me.  I'm glad that my "parents" stayed away because I really don't have anything to say to them, but my brother, well that one hurt.  I sat with my cousin and Brandon at the funeral and my aunt and uncle were behind us.  My aunt, uncle, and cousin are the only one's that I consider family, but even they had hurt me the night before.  At the grave side service, we left as soon as the service was over.  I had had enough.  I paid my respects to Helen and that was the only reason why I was there.  


That night though, I broke down.  I had a long talk with Brandon.  I swear, he is my rock and I just don't know what I would do without him.  He just listened while I cried over Helen, and over my lack of family.  I realized that I was never apart of my adopted family.  Even in the best of times when I was younger, there was never a time when I felt like my adopted "mother" truly loved me and considered me her own.  I feel like I was just a squatter until I was old enough to move out on my own (17).  


It sucks that I don't have a "side of the family" really.  A place where I came from.  People who can say "when Meagan was a baby, she did so and so".  I struggle with this a lot.  And I'm tired of hiding the fact that I struggle with it.  It really sucks to not have a mother or father.  I can put up quite a front and people think that I am this strong person.  I try to be, but I have my moments, and I have had plenty of them this week.  


I can't change the past, but I can look forward to the future.  I know that it is for the best that these people are not in my life( a whole different blog, I can only do so much personal stuff at a time).  I dread the day that I have to explain to Elyse why mommy doesn't have parents.  I will never bad mouth them in front of her, I feel that is disrespectful.  But I will be honest and tell her exactly why they are not apart of our lives.  


God has blessed me so much with Brandon and Elyse.  I thank God every night when I pray before bed.  I am so lucky to have married into an awesome family as well.  They have always treated me as their own and I feel completely at home with them.  And they love Elyse so much and spoil her rotten, enough to make up for my lacking side.  So all in all, I really don't have it that bad.  I may not have a "side" of the family, but I definitely have family.  And for that I am very thankful.