So as I sit here typing this, Miss E is laying in her bed, she is supposed to be napping, but instead I hear her making barking noises at our dogs. I can't help but smile as I sit here on the couch listening to her. I can't even begin to explain how much I love this kid. She has been such a blessing to us and has made my life so much better. I love everything about her, her smile seriously lights up my world. Her hugs and kisses are the best things ever and she can make anything better by just being around you. It's seriously hard to be in a bad mood with her around because she is always doing something that will make me smile. Like how she dances constantly. She doesn't even need music, she just will randomly break out in a dance and I absolutely love it! She is such a happy Doodle(our nickname for her) and it makes me happy that she is so happy. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right.
I was always so scared to have a child because I've never really had a role model mother in my life. I've had 2 "mom's"( I use that word rather loosely) and neither have been ideal. I don't think I've ever truly felt a mother's love. My past has always been a huge part in my fear of having a baby. I didn't think I could be a mom since I had never really had a good one. I didn't think I could truly love a baby the way a mom was supposed to love her child. Everyone told me that my maternal instincts would just kick in, but I feared that I wouldn't have maternal instincts. Boy was I wrong.
From the day 2 pink lines showed up on the test (May 7th 2009), I was in love. My heart wasn't mine anymore. It completely belonged to the tiny being growing inside me. Everyday I just loved her more. When I heard her first cry, that was the happiest moment of my life(besides being pronounced husband and wife at our wedding). She was so beat up from a really rough labor but she was the most beautiful perfect thing I had ever laid my eyes on.
Now she is 14 months old and she is just a little spitfire. She is full of personality and is really developing into her own person. She amazes me every single day. I'm so lucky that I get to stay home with her and be with her all the time. Brandon calls her my little sidekick and I suppose she is. We are never really apart..
People tell me all the time that I'm spoiling her and that she has "mama-itis" and that is fine with me. I love the time we spend together. I want her to feel all the love that I never did growing up. I never want her to have any doubt that her parents love her no matter what. There is nothing that she could ever do to make me not love her. I want her to know that there is nothing that I wouldn't do for her. I want her to have the happy childhood that I never did. I never want her to feel the pain and disappointment and the longing to feel loved like I did.
So when people tell me that I shouldn't co-sleep or shouldn't hold her so much or whatever, I tend to just laugh and tell them that I'm her mother and I get to do whatever I want to do with her. If I want to old her 24-7, I will. A little "mama-itis" doesn't bother me one bit!