Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I want my life back.

This is something that is really hard for me to talk about.  My weight is something that I have been struggling with for years now and it's to the point where I'm truly depressed and have very bad self esteem issues.  

When I was in high school, I was very thin.  I had a great metabolism and I was pretty active.  Even then I had self esteem issues due to my adopted mother always pointing out the negative and my aunt would grab my sides and say "look I can pinch an inch", just little stuff like that.  Teenage girls are already so sensitive about this so why they would say that is beyond me.  Looking back, I would give anything to look like that again.  

I moved out when I was 17 and into my friend's house.  It was when I moved out of there that I started gaining weight.  I worked full time as a waitress and ate like crap.  I ate McDonald's late at night bc it was the only thing open when I got off of work late at night.  Not to mention all the drinking I did.  I was 18 and the only person out of all of my friends that had their own place and my room mate was a major drinker so we did a lot of partying.  I knew I was gaining but I was young and didn't care.  I figured a few times on the treadmill and I would be fine.  I probably would have been if I would have gotten my butt on the treadmill.

As the years went by, I just kept getting bigger.  I wish I would have stopped and said enough, but now I'm here, the biggest I have ever been and completely miserable.  I feel completely out of place and I hate seeing people that I haven't seen since high school because I know what they are thinking.  As much as I love my in-laws, I don't really like going to family functions because they are all really small people and I'm the biggest one there.  It's so uncomfortable and I feel like everyone is judging me.  

When I got pregnant with Miss E, I was so sick that I actually lost 20lbs my first trimester.  People kept commenting on how great I looked.  Being pregnant was like a break for me.  I finally didn't have to obsess about my weight, people looked at me and I was the pregnant girl, not the fat girl.  I still ate very healthy during the pregnancy, I did not want to gain too much as I was heavy to begin with. I was not one of those people that ate everything because I had an "excuse". Every time I went for my Dr. appointments, I would step on the scale backwards because I didn't want to know.  After I had her, I felt like a deflated balloon.  My self esteem was at an all time low.  People kept saying "oh you just had a baby so you have an excuse" or "well you had a c-section so it's going to be harder".  But now that Miss E is almost 14.5 months old, I can't say "Oh I just had a baby".  I stopped saying that when she was about 10 months old.  I wasn't going to be one of those women who say they never lost their baby weight when their kid is 5.  

I actually got down below my pre-pregnancy weight when Miss E was just a couple of months old.  Breastfeeding is amazing for weight loss!  But I had a lot of issues with my iron and with postpartum bleeding.  I bled for 18 weeks and was very anemic.  I had to have progesterone shots AND take progesterone pills(2 a day).  For anyone who doesn't know, that's Depo and is awful.  I gained 26 lbs in a month.  It did stop the bleeding and my iron came up, unfortunately the weight stayed.  

I started Weight Watchers about a month and a half ago.  I lost about 15 lbs and now I'm stuck.  I still eat the same things for breakfast and lunch just about every day.  I do eat a more than I should for dinner, but I don't eat horribly.  I still do my elliptical.  I don't know why it is so hard for me to lose weight.  I had a thyroid test done about 3 years ago and it was fine.  I'm due for my annual, which I dread because my MIL is the office manager and has access to my records, meaning she can see my weight.  My Dr. may want me to do another thyroid test, who knows.  

In a few days, I'm going to start a very strict diet.  It's going to be extremely hard and I will probably be a nutcase for a week or so until my body adjusts.  But if it works then it will be worth it.  I'm more determined than ever.  I want to be healthy for myself, but more importantly for my daughter.  I want to be able to play with her and keep up with her.  I don't want to be the fat mom.  I want my self esteem to come back and to feel attractive again.  I just want my life back.

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