Saturday, March 5, 2011

Family? What family?

So this past week has been hectic with the passing of a family member and my 13 month old being sick.  I haven't had much time to blog...or really even grieve. 

This has been an eye opening experience for me.  When a family member passes away, usually families grieve together and that helps the healing process.  Well what do you do when you don't have a family to grieve with?  I know I have Brandon and Elyse, they are amazing.  But that's not what I mean.  I mean the people you grew up with, the place where you always can call home, the place where you came from.  I don't have that.  That was very apparent to me the night of the viewing.  When Brandon and I got there (at 7 and the viewing was over at 8)  no one was there.  Not one of my "family" members had stayed.  I had even called one of them and text messaged one telling them I was on my way but I was stuck because of the storm.  I was crushed when I walked into an empty room.   Thank God Brandon was there with me because I probably would have lost it.  Fast forward to the funeral the next day.  Not one person came up and spoke to me.  Some of them I didn't know, but there were a few familiar faces.  My adopted "parents" (and I use the word very loosely) were there and didn't even look my way.  My little brother was there ( my real blood brother) and didn't bother to even glance at me.  I'm glad that my "parents" stayed away because I really don't have anything to say to them, but my brother, well that one hurt.  I sat with my cousin and Brandon at the funeral and my aunt and uncle were behind us.  My aunt, uncle, and cousin are the only one's that I consider family, but even they had hurt me the night before.  At the grave side service, we left as soon as the service was over.  I had had enough.  I paid my respects to Helen and that was the only reason why I was there.  

That night though, I broke down.  I had a long talk with Brandon.  I swear, he is my rock and I just don't know what I would do without him.  He just listened while I cried over Helen, and over my lack of family.  I realized that I was never apart of my adopted family.  Even in the best of times when I was younger, there was never a time when I felt like my adopted "mother" truly loved me and considered me her own.  I feel like I was just a squatter until I was old enough to move out on my own (17).  

It sucks that I don't have a "side of the family" really.  A place where I came from.  People who can say "when Meagan was a baby, she did so and so".  I struggle with this a lot.  And I'm tired of hiding the fact that I struggle with it.  It really sucks to not have a mother or father.  I can put up quite a front and people think that I am this strong person.  I try to be, but I have my moments, and I have had plenty of them this week.  

I can't change the past, but I can look forward to the future.  I know that it is for the best that these people are not in my life( a whole different blog, I can only do so much personal stuff at a time).  I dread the day that I have to explain to Elyse why mommy doesn't have parents.  I will never bad mouth them in front of her, I feel that is disrespectful.  But I will be honest and tell her exactly why they are not apart of our lives.  

God has blessed me so much with Brandon and Elyse.  I thank God every night when I pray before bed.  I am so lucky to have married into an awesome family as well.  They have always treated me as their own and I feel completely at home with them.  And they love Elyse so much and spoil her rotten, enough to make up for my lacking side.  So all in all, I really don't have it that bad.  I may not have a "side" of the family, but I definitely have family.  And for that I am very thankful.  

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