So this past week has been hectic with the passing of a family member and my 13 month old being sick. I haven't had much time to blog...or really even grieve.
This has been an eye opening experience for me. When a family member passes away, usually families grieve together and that helps the healing process. Well what do you do when you don't have a family to grieve with? I know I have Brandon and Elyse, they are amazing. But that's not what I mean. I mean the people you grew up with, the place where you always can call home, the place where you came from. I don't have that. That was very apparent to me the night of the viewing. When Brandon and I got there (at 7 and the viewing was over at 8) no one was there. Not one of my "family" members had stayed. I had even called one of them and text messaged one telling them I was on my way but I was stuck because of the storm. I was crushed when I walked into an empty room. Thank God Brandon was there with me because I probably would have lost it. Fast forward to the funeral the next day. Not one person came up and spoke to me. Some of them I didn't know, but there were a few familiar faces. My adopted "parents" (and I use the word very loosely) were there and didn't even look my way. My little brother was there ( my real blood brother) and didn't bother to even glance at me. I'm glad that my "parents" stayed away because I really don't have anything to say to them, but my brother, well that one hurt. I sat with my cousin and Brandon at the funeral and my aunt and uncle were behind us. My aunt, uncle, and cousin are the only one's that I consider family, but even they had hurt me the night before. At the grave side service, we left as soon as the service was over. I had had enough. I paid my respects to Helen and that was the only reason why I was there.
That night though, I broke down. I had a long talk with Brandon. I swear, he is my rock and I just don't know what I would do without him. He just listened while I cried over Helen, and over my lack of family. I realized that I was never apart of my adopted family. Even in the best of times when I was younger, there was never a time when I felt like my adopted "mother" truly loved me and considered me her own. I feel like I was just a squatter until I was old enough to move out on my own (17).
It sucks that I don't have a "side of the family" really. A place where I came from. People who can say "when Meagan was a baby, she did so and so". I struggle with this a lot. And I'm tired of hiding the fact that I struggle with it. It really sucks to not have a mother or father. I can put up quite a front and people think that I am this strong person. I try to be, but I have my moments, and I have had plenty of them this week.
I can't change the past, but I can look forward to the future. I know that it is for the best that these people are not in my life( a whole different blog, I can only do so much personal stuff at a time). I dread the day that I have to explain to Elyse why mommy doesn't have parents. I will never bad mouth them in front of her, I feel that is disrespectful. But I will be honest and tell her exactly why they are not apart of our lives.
God has blessed me so much with Brandon and Elyse. I thank God every night when I pray before bed. I am so lucky to have married into an awesome family as well. They have always treated me as their own and I feel completely at home with them. And they love Elyse so much and spoil her rotten, enough to make up for my lacking side. So all in all, I really don't have it that bad. I may not have a "side" of the family, but I definitely have family. And for that I am very thankful.