Sunday, April 17, 2011

Letting Go

This past week has been mostly spent cleaning out and organizing our office turned catch all room.  Yesterday as I was going through a box that has been on the top shelf tucked in the back of the closet and I found my old diaries from middle school(when I first moved up to Mableton).  There were 3 different diaries and in the very bottom of the box was a letter from my birth mom.  I thought that I had put all of those up a long time ago, but this one didn't get put up with the rest.  I of course opened it and read it. There was one letter to me and one letter to Tyler.  It was dated Aug 18th 2007.  In the letter she had told me to give Ray and Elaine a chance (this was before the thought of adoption) and that they were really good people.  I put the letters back in the envelope and started reading the diaries.  Almost every page was the same thoughts.  Besides the normal rantings and gushings of a 12 year old, it was "why doesn't she like me?"  "She's never going to love me like she loves Levi" and "please let her be in a good mood today".  It brought me back to that house and the tension and the nights spent crying myself to sleep.  I hated that feeling.  As I opened up the last diary that my Gram gave me, I saw what she had written on the first page:

Notice the date on it.  Aug 18, 1997.  She told me to let go of the past.  So that's exactly what I did yesterday.  I tore that page out and threw all 3 diaries away.  I tore the pages up in little pieces and they all went to the trash.  And it felt really good.  It's like I'm throwing away all those bad memories and all the hurt and insecurities with them.  Goodbye past, I don't need your burden anymore.

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