Calm after the storm.

I am feeling better, I'm coming out of my funk.  Brandon has had a few days off so that has helped a lot just by having him home. 

The biggest news is that we finally got some time to go house hunting.  We sat down and mapped out the houses we wanted to see and dropped Miss E off with her Grammie.  There were a few that we didn't even have to get out of the car.  But then we found the one.  We walked the property and peeked in the doors and windows. We still had a few more to look at, but we now had a good standard set.  There really was no comparison when we saw the others.  But at least we had done the foot work and had crossed some off and had one that we both really liked. We had been emailing Century 21 and no one had responded so Brandon called twice yesterday.  We finally got someone to call us back.  He met us there at 8am this morning and we got to see the inside.  It needs some work for sure, but it's a great price.  I fell in absolute love with this house.  I really feel like this is the one.  We are calling the bank tomorrow and are going to put an offer in, so please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  Hopefully I will have some good news to update with soon!

I am tired.

Title says it all.  I am tired.  I am worn out emotionally & physically.  The past 3 weeks have been nothing short of stressful, draining, exhausting, & painful.  From the loss of our pregnancy to Annabelle's back problems and everything in between.  Brandon has been home maybe 4 nights in the past 3 weeks and that is also part of the problem.  I don't feel like I've had time to deal with everything because I can't slow down before something else happens.  I need time to heal and absorb things.  I need time to cry, time to think, and then time to get past it.  I'm getting to a point to where I feel inadequate not only as a person but as a mother and a wife.  Brandon and I got to have a talk last week that was months past due.  We have things that we need to work on in our marriage, but he isn't able to stay home long enough for us to try.  We are not divorced bound or anything like that, we just need time to re-connect as a couple.  We don't get date nights because when he is home, we don't want to get a sitter because Miss E needs time with her daddy.  But at the same time, how can we be the best parents to her if we don't have time for our own marriage?

It is making me a person that I don't like being.  I'm angry, I'm short tempered, and I have no patience.  I am able to put on a happy face for others.  And of course I would never let those emotions show around Miss E, she picks up on emotions so easily these days.  But after she is down and I have a little quiet time while I'm doing laundry, taking care of all 3 dogs, making sure Annabelle has had her medicine and physical therapy, done dishes and straightened the kitchen, those emotions come flooding over me.  Like today, Brandon is out of town and he's been in a hotel room all day (they have to reset a certain amount of hours when they work so many hours before they can come home) and he tells me that he is going to take a nap.  I found myself getting angry that he got to nap.  Not that I wanted to nap at that time, but just that he has the option to do so and I never do.  When he is home on the weekends and I look over at him in the recliner and he has dozed off, I get mad because that is never an option for me.  I can't just do whatever I want when I want and it's almost like I get jealous that he can do what he wants when he wants.

I love my daughter more than life itself, more than I can put into words.  I don't like getting a babysitter because I love being with her.  I love the time that we spend together.  But sometimes I just need some "me" time.  I don't get that at all being a SAHM.  I feel guilty even saying that, but it is the truth.  Sometimes I want to sleep past 8am or take a long shower uninterrupted, or just be able to jump in my car and run errands without having to worry about "do I have snacks, cup, diapers, wipes, paci, extra clothes"?  I am so blessed to have such a great child, she is so sweet and comparably low maintenance than other toddlers, so it makes me very guilty to feel like this.

I feel like I have broken down and I just for some reason can't build myself back up again.  God please help me get past this.  

When life throws you lemons, throw them right back.

It has been a whole week since that awful day...and I still think about it daily.  

It has been a really busy week though and it has stopped me from thinking about it as much as I would have if I had not been busy.  My little malti-poo Annabelle has a sprained back.  I had to take her to the animal hospital last Saturday(the day after the awful day).  She stopped eating, drinking, and she would not come out from under Miss E's bed.  I have to move the bed to pick her up to make her go to the bathroom.  She was also hunched and looked like she was having difficulty walking and was yelping in pain.  I had to drive to Woodstock with Miss E in tow, but it was SO worth it.  I loved that vet!  They were amazing with my toddler and with Annabelle.  They said she had a sprained back and gave her some pain meds and we came home.  Well over the week she has gotten worse and so back to the vet we went.  This time we went back to our normal vet.  I wish I would have driven back to Woodstock.  Anyway, they x-rayed her back and it was perfect(yay!) and she did a full fecal loop to make sure there were no obstructions(none).  Now she is on her pain meds, a steroid, and a muscle relaxer.  I also have to "towel walk" her everyday.  She has to go back on Monday to check her progress.  There was some improvement tonight, she came out from under the bed by herself to eat.  Those are 2 huge things=)

I found some more relatives of mine on Facebook.  My 2 cousins(my biological moms sisters kids).  I was pretty excited about that.  But of course with the good comes the bad.  Turns out my grandfather has Parkinson's and my aunt has Huntington's.  Don't know what they are, look them up, it's not pleasant.  And here's the best part...they are genetic.  My grandmother passed from something like that (She was bi-polar and schizophrenic).  I'm seriously considering getting a genetic test done.  I feel like I'm doomed to wind up with one or more of these horrible illnesses.  I'm conflicted on doing the testing though, I feel like if it comes back with something then I will obsess over it and I don't want to live my life like that.  My type A personality really takes over on these sorts of things.  I think I have to know.  I'm not worried about myself as much as I worry about Miss E.  That's the thing about being a mother, you never want to pass any bad genetics down to your children and this is absolutely killing me that I have such a crappy bloodline.  All I can do is pray that God spares my children from suffering from these illnesses.

Brandon has not been home in weeks.  Seriously, he's been home like 4 nights in the past 3 weeks.  I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders right now and it's not helping that he hasn't been here with me.  He's supposed to be coming home tomorrow afternoon and I'm praying that he gets to.  Miss E needs her daddy home and I need my husband home.  I'm tired of being lonely.

One last thing, it looks like we aren't going to be getting that house in Powder Springs after all.  I'm not hugely disappointed because I had a lot of issues with that house(read previous posts).  The only thing I hate is that we aren't going to be as close to Brandon's parents as we wanted.  People look at me like I'm crazy when I mentioned that we were going to be neighbors with my in-laws because I guess most people don't want to live that close to their in-laws.  I am not one of those people.  I love my in-laws and really wanted to live within walking distance to them.  We are all really close(yet they respect our privacy) and I just love it.  They are like the family I didn't have growing up.  Anyway now we are looking at houses in Hiram, which I am more comfortable with than Powder Springs.  There are some really nice houses in our price range that are move in ready, and that is a huge plus!  I was not looking forward to rebuilding a house.  I'm actually really excited about house hunting again and hopefully Brandon will stay home long enough for us to go looking.

Okay so this is the last thing I promise.  I'm really excited to say that we will be taking a vacation this year!  In September we will be taking Miss E down to Florida and I am really excited about it! We need a whole week, just the 3 of us to have some quality family time. That's all now=)

Picking Wildflowers

These past 5 days have certainly been rough.  I don't know if it was a test of faith or what, but they have certainly made me realize a few things.  Firstly, I had to start my Monday off by testing again, and it was a very clear negative.  Which means my levels are back down and I can start my birth control again.  I really thought that this would just ruin my day, but it hasn't.  Miss E has been extra snuggly today so my focus has been on her.  

First off it's made me realize that I do want a second child.  Just not now.  I want more time with just the 3 of us.  It's such a special time and I love that all of my focus is on Miss E.  I don't want to miss anything with her because I'm dealing with a newborn.  I also don't want to make her grow up faster, I want her to stay little as long as possible.  

Secondly, it's made me realize that I have some amazing friends in my life.  Brandon and I didn't make anything public, only 2 of my friends knew.  So unless people read my blog they would have no idea.  I called Angela the day I had the positive pregnancy test and she dropped everything and rushed right over to be with me.  I was in complete shock and she was there.  The next day when I found out that it was a chemical pregnancy, Erin made a surprise visit when she got off work and brought me some beautiful flowers.  She lives nowhere near me and went really far out of her way to come be with me.  It meant so much to me because between her full time job and going to school full time and her family, she is extremely busy. It was nice just to have someone to sit with me so I wasn't alone.  Then on Sunday Misty called me first thing in the am and said that she had read my blog and was going to cancel her photo session that day so we could take the kids to the wildflower field.  When we got off the phone I was in tears that she would do that for me.  She is a photographer and she wanted to spend the day with me over making money.  We headed up there and this place was the absolute cutest place I have ever seen in my life!  She got some ridiculously cute pics of our kiddos and it was just so much fun and much needed.  Here are some of the pics(completely unedited)

 Like I said, ridiculously cute! Shameless plug alert... http://www.mistydawnphotography.com/...She does great pics at very affordable prices=)

Anyway after our adventures in the wildflowers, we went and ate at Logans, by then the kiddos were starving!  Miss E and I finally made it home at almost 10.  Just an overall perfect day!

I'm very lucky and thankful to have such wonderful people in my life. 


 

Fri the 13th...the day my heart was absolutely broken.

I officially hate Friday the 13th.  Today was one of the worse days of my lives.

The past week or so I've just felt off.  Like my hormones were messing with me.  I started my period on the 5th so I chalked it up to pms.  It lasted 4 days and I just felt weird still.  Wed and Thurs my sense of smell was off the charts.  Pregnancy hadn't really entered my mind because I thought it was impossible.  Yesterday morning I really felt like I needed to take a test.  So I did and lo and behold there was a pink line.  Needless to say I was in complete shock.  I'm on birth control which I take at the same time every day.  I sat the test on my bar and every time I walked by I would glance and every time there was still a line.  I even called my friend over just to make sure I wasn't seeing things.  She saw it too.  Brandon is out of town working and I knew there was no way I could wait til he got home to tell him, so we packed up to get Miss E a "big sister" shirt.  I took this picture with the caption "Yep" and sent it to him:

 

Needless to say it didn't take him very long to call me!  I will admit that I was just in complete shock.  There was never a "oh crap not now" thought, it was just shock.  When I woke up this morning, I was feeling at peace.  I was actually kinda excited at the thought of another doodle!  I called the dr and they were able to get me in.  I get there and the nurse did the standard test.  It was + but very faint.  She gave me a due date of 1.12.12.  Which is Miss E's 2nd birthday.  I thought that was a good sign.  I get back to the room and the dr comes in.  He gets the doppler out and after a few minutes I hear the dreaded words "can't find a heartbeat".  This is devastating.  But in the back of my head I'm thinking, well maybe I'm just not far enough along yet to hear the heartbeat.  He sends me across the hall for an ultrasound.  She comes in and there is nothing there.  Nothing.  The dr comes back in and tells me that it's a chemical pregnancy, which means the sperm fertilized the egg, but never implanted.  You still get all the symptoms and a + test.  The period I thought I had was actually my body flushing my system.  He told me to test again on Monday and it should be negative.  If it's not then I have to go back to get my HCG levels checked.  

This was a lot to take in before noon.  

I had to call Brandon and tell him over the phone.  He's still out of town and won't be back until Monday at the earliest.  My friend surprised me with a visit after I told her what happened and she brought me some beautiful white roses.  That really made my day.  I can't even begin to explain what that meant to me.  

This was all within a 24 hour time period. It's just so much to take in all at once.  I told Brandon that I guess I needed to return Miss E's shirt(it's actually a pj set) and he said not too, to put it up for when we would need it.  I'm secretly really glad I don't have to return it.  

I'm dreading testing again and seeing a negative.  Brandon said that I could wait until Tues so he could look at it for me so I wouldn't have to see it.  It really sucks having the symptoms knowing there's no baby there.  The dr told me I would have them until my HCG and progesterone levels were back to normal.

Since Miss E's been asleep, I've had time to think and that's a dangerous thing.  I realized that I was miscarrying on Mother's Day and didn't even know it. This whole experience sucks.  I don't see a silver lining, a bright side.  I don't know why God chose to let me know and then take it away 24 hours later.  If I hadn't tested or if I would have waited to test, it would have been negative and I would have never known.  

I would have never known.

I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

It occurred to me today that I haven't blogged in awhile.  I've been a whirlwind of emotion lately and this is the first time that I've had silence to sit and gather my thoughts.

So good ol' Facebook stalking has worked it's magic again.  First I found my 3 foster sisters, then I found my 4 old best friends from Thomasville (6th grade), now the sperm donor's (dad) ex-girlfriend pops back into my life.  As I've said in previous posts, my bio father is not someone that I ever talk about.  Ever.  I lived with him for a short while when I was 8 or 9 and I don't remember hardly anything, but of course the bad things that still to this day give me nightmares and keep me awake.  He haunts my memory and I hate that after all this time he still has control over me.  But the good that I remember was his girlfriend at the time.  Her name was Linda and I took to her immediately.  She would take me shopping, let me listen to what I wanted to on the radio, I would talk to her about any and everything and she would always listen.  She would let me sleep with her when I couldn't sleep, she was just an amazing person.  When I got taken away from Bob(sperm donor), I lost contact with her along with my brother and sister.  I've tried numerous times to find them on Facebook with absolutely no luck.  So I was quite surprised when I awoke to a message from Linda. She told me that she and Bob broke up almost 20 years ago and that my brother was serving time in prison last she heard(big freaking surprise) and she has no idea about my sister. She said that the last she heard Bob had moved on to have more children.  I already have 5 siblings and now I may have more that I don't even know at all.  This weighs really heavily on my heart. She wants to meet up with me and have dinner so we can catch up.  She said that my aunt and uncle(Joe and Cindy) always said that I would find my way back to them.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  I love knowing where Linda is and the chance to meet and catch up with her, but at the same time, I'm terrified of the emotion and what memories may come back to me.  I've been trying for so long to bury my past and forget the pain.  Joe and Cindy never did anything to me and I hold nothing against them, but they are related to him and I'm just not sure I can handle it.  But it would be nice to finally have some biological family in the picture.  The one thing I know for sure is that I cannot see him.  I'm just not strong enough.

On another note, the moving plans are still going.  We finally found a bank to do the kind of loan we want, so now we have to get pre-approved for a mortgage and things will finally get rolling=)  Had to throw something good in there!

My sister in law graduated college this past Saturday.  I had to drop Miss E off over at my friends house at 7:45 and of course Brandon had gotten called out at 4am so I was on my own.  When I got to my friends house I slammed my thumb in my car door.  Luckily they had an ice pack and pain meds to get me through the morning (thank God!)  It was NOT my morning, I made it there right at 9, but luckily she was in the last group so I didn't miss anything.  When Brandon and I started dating, his sister was in middle school, so I feel like I've gotten to see her grow up and I feel like she is my sister too.  I'm so proud of her and I'm so glad that I got to see her graduate.  She is a genuinely good person with a good heart and those people are far too few.  After the ceremony was over I had to go pick up Miss E.  When I got there she was sleeping, she took a 3 hour nap!  This kid never sleeps that long.  So I stayed there and waited for her to get up.  Poor thumb is still throbbing.  Brandon calls and says he's home.  By the time she gets up and we get on the road, Brandon calls back and says that he got called out again.  Meaning that he had to miss the graduation party that night.  We got home in time to eat a late lunch and play and then get ready for the party.  Miss E had so much fun, she was a little social butterfly, but at 9 it was time to go to get her in bed.  Brandon made it home at about 1 am, I was fast asleep thanks to percocet=)

Sunday was Mother's Day.  By this time I was ready to saw my thumb off myself bc of the pain. Anyway, I've learned to not have expectations on holidays and birthdays because disappointment sucks.  Not that Brandon doesn't have good intentions (sometimes), he just doesn't get it.  I told him 2 months ago that I wanted Chelsea Handler tickets and my canvas picture mounted.  Easy enough right?  So that morning, I got up with Miss E while he slept in 2 hours.  Right before her nap, he gives me my present.  He got me a camcorder.  I almost laughed.  It's a great gift and something that I really wanted so I wasn't upset or anything, it was just really funny that I told him exactly what to get and I wound up with a camcorder lol!  Not complaining though because I really do love it.  The day was just like any other day, nothing special and that kinda sucked.  I wish I could have woken up to breakfast in bed (or breakfast period) and flowers and a cute little homemade card that he had Miss E make me.  But I digress.  Like I said, poor guy just doesn't get it.  I did tell him that on Father's day that I was sleeping in.


And to end on a positive note, Miss E's adhesion opened up!  After just a few days of using the cream there was a huge difference.  Sunday was the 2 week mark and it was completely open and a huge prayer answered!  Not to say that it won't close again, but we will cross that bridge if/when we get there.  Miss E is seriously the best thing ever.  She constantly makes me smile and she is just amazing.  She's so smart and doing new things everyday, luckily I have my handy camcorder to record the memories=)