Friday, May 13, 2011

Fri the 13th...the day my heart was absolutely broken.

I officially hate Friday the 13th.  Today was one of the worse days of my lives.

The past week or so I've just felt off.  Like my hormones were messing with me.  I started my period on the 5th so I chalked it up to pms.  It lasted 4 days and I just felt weird still.  Wed and Thurs my sense of smell was off the charts.  Pregnancy hadn't really entered my mind because I thought it was impossible.  Yesterday morning I really felt like I needed to take a test.  So I did and lo and behold there was a pink line.  Needless to say I was in complete shock.  I'm on birth control which I take at the same time every day.  I sat the test on my bar and every time I walked by I would glance and every time there was still a line.  I even called my friend over just to make sure I wasn't seeing things.  She saw it too.  Brandon is out of town working and I knew there was no way I could wait til he got home to tell him, so we packed up to get Miss E a "big sister" shirt.  I took this picture with the caption "Yep" and sent it to him:

Needless to say it didn't take him very long to call me!  I will admit that I was just in complete shock.  There was never a "oh crap not now" thought, it was just shock.  When I woke up this morning, I was feeling at peace.  I was actually kinda excited at the thought of another doodle!  I called the dr and they were able to get me in.  I get there and the nurse did the standard test.  It was + but very faint.  She gave me a due date of 1.12.12.  Which is Miss E's 2nd birthday.  I thought that was a good sign.  I get back to the room and the dr comes in.  He gets the doppler out and after a few minutes I hear the dreaded words "can't find a heartbeat".  This is devastating.  But in the back of my head I'm thinking, well maybe I'm just not far enough along yet to hear the heartbeat.  He sends me across the hall for an ultrasound.  She comes in and there is nothing there.  Nothing.  The dr comes back in and tells me that it's a chemical pregnancy, which means the sperm fertilized the egg, but never implanted.  You still get all the symptoms and a + test.  The period I thought I had was actually my body flushing my system.  He told me to test again on Monday and it should be negative.  If it's not then I have to go back to get my HCG levels checked.  

This was a lot to take in before noon.  
I had to call Brandon and tell him over the phone.  He's still out of town and won't be back until Monday at the earliest.  My friend surprised me with a visit after I told her what happened and she brought me some beautiful white roses.  That really made my day.  I can't even begin to explain what that meant to me.  

This was all within a 24 hour time period. It's just so much to take in all at once.  I told Brandon that I guess I needed to return Miss E's shirt(it's actually a pj set) and he said not too, to put it up for when we would need it.  I'm secretly really glad I don't have to return it.  
I'm dreading testing again and seeing a negative.  Brandon said that I could wait until Tues so he could look at it for me so I wouldn't have to see it.  It really sucks having the symptoms knowing there's no baby there.  The dr told me I would have them until my HCG and progesterone levels were back to normal.
Since Miss E's been asleep, I've had time to think and that's a dangerous thing.  I realized that I was miscarrying on Mother's Day and didn't even know it. This whole experience sucks.  I don't see a silver lining, a bright side.  I don't know why God chose to let me know and then take it away 24 hours later.  If I hadn't tested or if I would have waited to test, it would have been negative and I would have never known.  

I would have never known.

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