Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

It occurred to me today that I haven't blogged in awhile.  I've been a whirlwind of emotion lately and this is the first time that I've had silence to sit and gather my thoughts.

So good ol' Facebook stalking has worked it's magic again.  First I found my 3 foster sisters, then I found my 4 old best friends from Thomasville (6th grade), now the sperm donor's (dad) ex-girlfriend pops back into my life.  As I've said in previous posts, my bio father is not someone that I ever talk about.  Ever.  I lived with him for a short while when I was 8 or 9 and I don't remember hardly anything, but of course the bad things that still to this day give me nightmares and keep me awake.  He haunts my memory and I hate that after all this time he still has control over me.  But the good that I remember was his girlfriend at the time.  Her name was Linda and I took to her immediately.  She would take me shopping, let me listen to what I wanted to on the radio, I would talk to her about any and everything and she would always listen.  She would let me sleep with her when I couldn't sleep, she was just an amazing person.  When I got taken away from Bob(sperm donor), I lost contact with her along with my brother and sister.  I've tried numerous times to find them on Facebook with absolutely no luck.  So I was quite surprised when I awoke to a message from Linda. She told me that she and Bob broke up almost 20 years ago and that my brother was serving time in prison last she heard(big freaking surprise) and she has no idea about my sister. She said that the last she heard Bob had moved on to have more children.  I already have 5 siblings and now I may have more that I don't even know at all.  This weighs really heavily on my heart. She wants to meet up with me and have dinner so we can catch up.  She said that my aunt and uncle(Joe and Cindy) always said that I would find my way back to them.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  I love knowing where Linda is and the chance to meet and catch up with her, but at the same time, I'm terrified of the emotion and what memories may come back to me.  I've been trying for so long to bury my past and forget the pain.  Joe and Cindy never did anything to me and I hold nothing against them, but they are related to him and I'm just not sure I can handle it.  But it would be nice to finally have some biological family in the picture.  The one thing I know for sure is that I cannot see him.  I'm just not strong enough.

On another note, the moving plans are still going.  We finally found a bank to do the kind of loan we want, so now we have to get pre-approved for a mortgage and things will finally get rolling=)  Had to throw something good in there!

My sister in law graduated college this past Saturday.  I had to drop Miss E off over at my friends house at 7:45 and of course Brandon had gotten called out at 4am so I was on my own.  When I got to my friends house I slammed my thumb in my car door.  Luckily they had an ice pack and pain meds to get me through the morning (thank God!)  It was NOT my morning, I made it there right at 9, but luckily she was in the last group so I didn't miss anything.  When Brandon and I started dating, his sister was in middle school, so I feel like I've gotten to see her grow up and I feel like she is my sister too.  I'm so proud of her and I'm so glad that I got to see her graduate.  She is a genuinely good person with a good heart and those people are far too few.  After the ceremony was over I had to go pick up Miss E.  When I got there she was sleeping, she took a 3 hour nap!  This kid never sleeps that long.  So I stayed there and waited for her to get up.  Poor thumb is still throbbing.  Brandon calls and says he's home.  By the time she gets up and we get on the road, Brandon calls back and says that he got called out again.  Meaning that he had to miss the graduation party that night.  We got home in time to eat a late lunch and play and then get ready for the party.  Miss E had so much fun, she was a little social butterfly, but at 9 it was time to go to get her in bed.  Brandon made it home at about 1 am, I was fast asleep thanks to percocet=)

Sunday was Mother's Day.  By this time I was ready to saw my thumb off myself bc of the pain. Anyway, I've learned to not have expectations on holidays and birthdays because disappointment sucks.  Not that Brandon doesn't have good intentions (sometimes), he just doesn't get it.  I told him 2 months ago that I wanted Chelsea Handler tickets and my canvas picture mounted.  Easy enough right?  So that morning, I got up with Miss E while he slept in 2 hours.  Right before her nap, he gives me my present.  He got me a camcorder.  I almost laughed.  It's a great gift and something that I really wanted so I wasn't upset or anything, it was just really funny that I told him exactly what to get and I wound up with a camcorder lol!  Not complaining though because I really do love it.  The day was just like any other day, nothing special and that kinda sucked.  I wish I could have woken up to breakfast in bed (or breakfast period) and flowers and a cute little homemade card that he had Miss E make me.  But I digress.  Like I said, poor guy just doesn't get it.  I did tell him that on Father's day that I was sleeping in.

And to end on a positive note, Miss E's adhesion opened up!  After just a few days of using the cream there was a huge difference.  Sunday was the 2 week mark and it was completely open and a huge prayer answered!  Not to say that it won't close again, but we will cross that bridge if/when we get there.  Miss E is seriously the best thing ever.  She constantly makes me smile and she is just amazing.  She's so smart and doing new things everyday, luckily I have my handy camcorder to record the memories=)

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