Monday, May 23, 2011

I am tired.

Title says it all.  I am tired.  I am worn out emotionally & physically.  The past 3 weeks have been nothing short of stressful, draining, exhausting, & painful.  From the loss of our pregnancy to Annabelle's back problems and everything in between.  Brandon has been home maybe 4 nights in the past 3 weeks and that is also part of the problem.  I don't feel like I've had time to deal with everything because I can't slow down before something else happens.  I need time to heal and absorb things.  I need time to cry, time to think, and then time to get past it.  I'm getting to a point to where I feel inadequate not only as a person but as a mother and a wife.  Brandon and I got to have a talk last week that was months past due.  We have things that we need to work on in our marriage, but he isn't able to stay home long enough for us to try.  We are not divorced bound or anything like that, we just need time to re-connect as a couple.  We don't get date nights because when he is home, we don't want to get a sitter because Miss E needs time with her daddy.  But at the same time, how can we be the best parents to her if we don't have time for our own marriage?

It is making me a person that I don't like being.  I'm angry, I'm short tempered, and I have no patience.  I am able to put on a happy face for others.  And of course I would never let those emotions show around Miss E, she picks up on emotions so easily these days.  But after she is down and I have a little quiet time while I'm doing laundry, taking care of all 3 dogs, making sure Annabelle has had her medicine and physical therapy, done dishes and straightened the kitchen, those emotions come flooding over me.  Like today, Brandon is out of town and he's been in a hotel room all day (they have to reset a certain amount of hours when they work so many hours before they can come home) and he tells me that he is going to take a nap.  I found myself getting angry that he got to nap.  Not that I wanted to nap at that time, but just that he has the option to do so and I never do.  When he is home on the weekends and I look over at him in the recliner and he has dozed off, I get mad because that is never an option for me.  I can't just do whatever I want when I want and it's almost like I get jealous that he can do what he wants when he wants.

I love my daughter more than life itself, more than I can put into words.  I don't like getting a babysitter because I love being with her.  I love the time that we spend together.  But sometimes I just need some "me" time.  I don't get that at all being a SAHM.  I feel guilty even saying that, but it is the truth.  Sometimes I want to sleep past 8am or take a long shower uninterrupted, or just be able to jump in my car and run errands without having to worry about "do I have snacks, cup, diapers, wipes, paci, extra clothes"?  I am so blessed to have such a great child, she is so sweet and comparably low maintenance than other toddlers, so it makes me very guilty to feel like this.

I feel like I have broken down and I just for some reason can't build myself back up again.  God please help me get past this.  

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