Bittersweet.

Tonight Miss E asked me to move her toddler bed into her room. I asked her if she was absolutely sure & she said yep. So her bed is now in her room on the other side of the house. She will still sleep with me at night I'm sure, but she will nap in her room now. I've been wanting to move some furniture around anyway so I took the opportunity. 2 hours later, I am exhausted & Miss E is sound asleep. We are turning the office into a playroom since we are out of room for her toys and she is getting a couple big things for Christmas (a big 2 sided art easel & a rocking horse & a chair) and there is no telling what all she is getting for her bday, so we decided to make it her playroom. I'm going to try to have it done by Christmas so we won't be rushed & we will have room to put all of her stuff. 

I just can't believe how fast she is growing up. It is really bittersweet. I hope she still wants to snuggle with me at night. 

Changes, heartache & reasons to be thankful.

I realized today that I haven't done a blog post in over a month. I'm going to try to get back in the habit of writing at least weekly again. 


Today is the last day of November. I just can't believe how fast this year has gone by. December is all about Christmas and then of course Miss E's 2nd birthday! I just can't believe she is about to be 2!


Thanksgiving was bittersweet this year. This was the first year without Helen & Wynnelle. I will always cherish last year, that was the last time I saw them & I love that Miss E got to meet them and we got pictures of them together. This was also the first year that we didn't go see my aunt, uncle & cousin. We haven't spoken since our falling out in Aug. We had a wonderful time & amazing food, but like I said, it was bittersweet. It sucks to not have family around the holidays, but this is something that they were in the wrong about & I honestly feel like I have nothing to apologize for. The great thing was that Brandon actually got so spend Thanksgiving with us. He was out of town last year. He actually got to spend 4 days straight with us, it was so nice to have him around so much.


The day after Thanksgiving we put the tree up. Miss E loved helping putting the ornaments on, and just like last year, her and Brandon put the star on the top together. I love moments like that, it was an awesome memory made. Miss E has done very well with the tree, she loves pointing at it and saying "doodle's tree"! I am so glad that we bought all of her Christmas gifts early, we are tight on money so that is one less thing to be stressed about. I think Brandon & I have decided to not do gifts for each other. There is nothing that either of us particularly need, so it's just not a big deal to me. The older I've gotten, the less I care about getting gifts. I just really cherish the time together & seeing Miss E's eyes light up on Christmas morning. That to me is better than anything material. Last Sunday we took her(a long with Brandon's cousin, wife and their daughter who is 8 months old) to Bass Pro Shops to see Santa. She didn't like him very much, we got some great crying pics. After we walked around some, we went back and this time I held her and we got a family pic with Santa, it was much better, no tears=)


Miss E is going to be 2 in less than 2 months. We are doing a Minnie Mouse birthday party since that is her obsession. I think we are going to do the party at our house since last year was stressful doing it at my in laws. But after making the guest list, I don't know how we are going to fit that many people in our house and Brandon thinks that we are too far out for people to come. I think that the people that want to come will make the drive. But I'm tossing around the idea of having it back at their house. We aren't going all out like we did last year, but it will still be special and she will still have fun.


She has grown up so much lately. She goes in her potty regularly, which is awesome to not have to buy as many diapers=) Her vocabulary is quite impressive. She talks in full sentences and is very vocal. She can count to 12 and spell her name. When you ask her what her name is, she will tell you first and last name. People are always surprised when they hear that she isn't even 2! It makes me very proud to be her mom and makes me feel great knowing that she is learning from me. I am so blessed be able to stay home and see all this stuff as it happens. Today she shocked me when she went to the bathroom, took off her pants and diaper, sat on her potty & did her business, got a wipe and wiped herself and threw it in the big potty, then came to me & said "mommy I went potty by myself"! I almost cried. She just can't be that big already.


I was cleaning out Miss E's closet tonight getting all of her clothes that are too small out when I came across her Big Sister shirt. It brought some tears to my eyes. I'd be lying if I didn't say that it doesn't cross my mind every once in a while. But it made me realize that we should be getting ready for a new baby right now, instead of making the office a playroom, we should be turning it into a nursery. I know that God has a reason for it, but I still don't understand it. I know SO many pregnant people right now(seriously the last time we counted, we know of 20!) and when I hear them complain it tugs at my heart a little and I want to tell them to just be thankful, but instead I ignore it and change the subject. Losing 2 pregnancies makes it hard to listen to people who complain about morning sickness and being huge and things like that. I just want to grab them and tell them how lucky they are and to shut up with the complaining. I have people "ignored" on FB just so I don't have to look at their statuses about it.


The other day Brandon and I were talking and I told him that I haven't realized how much I have changed since becoming a mom until we are around other people that we used to be close with and we aren't anymore. I never realized how much it would change me, but I am glad it did. I am proud of the fact that we do research on things and we are very involved. We don't let her get vaccinations "just because it's time and that's what the dr says" We research every single vaccination ahead of time and there have been some that she hasn't gotten bc to us, the risks outweigh the benefits. I am glad that we choose safety and we didn't turn Elyse around in her car seat when she turned 1 bc "it was the thing to do". I have to be honest, it breaks my heart when parents don't put in the time and effort to research things before they just do them. I don't understand why parents wouldn't choose to keep their kids as safe as possible. I didn't realize how much of an attachment parenting person I would be, but I am proud of the fact that I am. I am not going to apologize for doing the absolute best for my child and any future children we have. And I will never stop trying to inform others either. 


Another thing I have noticed recently is my patience for others has gone away...almost completely. I am really considering getting rid of FB because of it. We know a couple who just got on GA(govt assistance) yet they brag about the expensive things they buy. They have nicer stuff than we have every had, yet they have to have assistance?? Things like that piss me off to no extent. Do not come show me your new gadget that you got that costs hundreds of dollars and then in the next breath talk about how broke you are and how thankful you are to be on GA. We could have qualified for GA when Elyse was born, but we didn't apply bc we felt there were people out there worse off than us who needed it more. Now I was on Medicaid when I was pregnant & got laid off, but as soon as Brandon got a job and his insurance benefits kicked in, I was off of it.  Something else I have gotten big on is respect & friendship. I feel like to be a true friend and to be respectful that if you have a problem with the other one, you need to go to them, tell them, and work it out and move on. This is something I have experienced recently. I had an issue with someone, I told her, we talked about it and I thought it was over. We talked after that and I thought everything was fine. Until I saw her friend post something on her FB wall and I noticed a few other things and was told others. Talking behind my back is something I don't tolerate. If I respect you enough to come to you and talk to you, then you should have the same respect for me. Don't send me a text out of the blue acting like you are my friend when clearly you are not. I am too old for crap like that & I don't have the time nor the energy to deal with it.


I think I have been long winded enough for the night. But I really will try to keep my blog more up to date=)

Back to the real world.

We got back from Daytona Beach last Friday.  The vacation went by too quickly & I miss it dearly. We left Saturday morning and it took us about 10 hours to get there.  We had to stop by the Tanger Outlets and do some shopping and we stopped every couple of hours so Miss E could stretch her legs.  She did surprisingly well on the way down and on the way back, which was a pleasant surprise. Thank goodness for DVD players and Mickey Mouse! Miss E had such a blast down there, she loved the ocean and the sand and the pool. We went to one or the other every morning and then came back and got showers, lunch, and naps. Then we would go out and shop and find kid friendly places to eat. Daytona is not a kid friendly place so that was a challenge to find somewhere that is not a bar or pub to eat. It was so nice to not have to worry about Brandon's phone ringing and him having to leave. We really needed that time together to bond as a family again. 

Of course, the morning after we get home Brandon got called to work. Miss E had gone to her Grammie's to the Cotton Picking Fair and to spend the night. Brandon did get to come home long enough for us to go eat and then he got called again. He was gone til Mon night and left this morning, so he is gone again. It's hard getting back in the swing of him being gone so much. Miss E loved spending so much time with her daddy, she was a daddy's girl the whole time, it was so cute!

On another note, Miss E hit a huge milestone yesterday..she pooped in her potty for the first time! She was in the bathtub and she said "momma potty" so I asked her if she needed to sit on the potty and she said yes, so I got her out, dried her off, and put her on there.  She said "momma GO"! I thought she was telling me she had to go, but she was telling me to GO! She didn't want me to watch, so I turned around and sure enough she went!  I am so proud of my big girl! 

She has also went through a growth spurt so we went shopping today(her favorite thing to do) and it makes me so sad to walk by the 0-24 mo section to go to the toddler section. It's so bittersweet watching her grow up, it's just going by way too quickly!

Almost time....

In a few days we will be beach bound. To say this vacation is much needed is an understatement. I am getting a bit stressed though, Brandon has been gone for a week(with the exception of one night) and it's looking like he will be gone up until time to leave.  He has to be back by Friday at 5 since that is when he goes off call, but we leave very early Saturday morning. So that is leaving me to get everything packed, the house cleaned, the errands ran, and the dogs groomed, by myself. It's a bit overwhelming, but slowly I'm getting it done. The past 2 days have been really productive, but tomorrow I have a date with my best friend, so I won't be doing much tomorrow. I have to squeeze in the bank and getting my oil changed, but I'm going to try to do those before I meet her.  The biggest thing is getting the pups groomed. I'm going to shave them myself and I've been putting it off because I dread doing it. Especially with Miss E there too, it's not going to be an easy task. 

I'm dreading the car ride already. Sunday Miss E and I took a road trip to Chattanooga to see Brandon and the last 30 minutes of the car ride there and back, she screamed. I'm talking full blown loud wailing almost drive off the road screaming. Hopefully this time it will be easier because with Brandon driving I can hop in the back if she starts whining. He installed her TV/DVD player so I'm hoping Mickey Mouse will keep her entertained.  

She's been whiny the past few days and as much as I hate to say it, it is really working on my nerves. It doesn't help that Brandon has been gone so I have no help. As I type this, she is in bed whining. Not crying, but just whining. She has had a runny nose the past 2 days and I am praying to God that she is not getting sick. She is going to see her Grammie for a while tomorrow so I'm hoping she is good for her. 

I'm glad that Brandon got to come home last night, even though it was just one night. Our kitchen sink got clogged up and I couldn't get it to drain. I got some liquid plumber and poured it in there Sunday night before I went to bed.  I am extremely allergic to chemicals so I was nervous, but it had to be done.  I was really careful and didn't get a drop on me, but somehow I still had a reaction. I started getting hives and my face and throat started swelling. I finally found a Zyrtec and that helped tremendously. After all that, it still didn't break the dang clog. Brandon had to take apart and clean the trap last night and thankfully it is now fixed.  Even thought the liquid plumber didn't work, it left my sink and drain extremely clean!

That's about all I have for now, off to start getting our luggage down=)

So Brandon has been gone for 2 weeks, with the exception of 2 nights.  Luckily one of those was my birthday. I didn't plan anything, but all in all it was a good day. Miss E and I went to lunch with Tammy and Michelle then went to feed the ducks.  That is her favorite thing to do now and we go at least 2 times a week.  That night Brandon took us to Longhorn to get my favorite meal, the crab stuffed filet.  It's amazing! I had lunch with Erin and Logan Saturday afternoon and dinner with Angela Saturday night.  Then we went and got some material to make Miss E a tutu.  It turned out really great!

 I was thinking about making and selling them just as something to do, but instead of people asking me to make them they are asking me how I made it.  I've told 2 people because they live far away and are not in my target area, but I don't think I'm going to tell anyone else.

September is literally a few days away and I'm so excited!  It marks the beginning of football season, our wedding anniversary, beginning of fall, and our vacation(in that order). Our vacation has been so stressful to plan, but we finally have everything nailed down and finalized. We had to learn a hard lesson along the way(don't assume "family" won't screw you over), but in the end, we wound up with something better.

I'm hoping that Brandon gets to come home tonight and I'm hoping that he will be home Saturday night so we can go out for our anniversary.  I already arranged a baby sitter for Miss E so fingers crossed!

Peace and Quiet.

It is 8:15pm which means Miss E is in bed and I finally have some quiet time. I love this time of day.  Brandon is out of town for work so it is just me and I am enjoying it. She has been really good and then the past 2 days she has been extremely moody. She has her canines coming in, 2 of the 4 have popped through. I'm hoping we get a break from teething until her 2 year molars come in. 

I've been staying off the computer more to focus on Elyse during the day and to have time with Brandon at night. I realized I was spending way too much time on Facebook and that's time that I could be focused on doing things with Elyse. I did peek on there today and after reading maybe 3 status updates I shut it off. People post ridiculous things and it really gets on my nerves.  I need to go through and clean out my friends list so I can get on there without getting annoyed. 

My birthday is in a few weeks and I've decided that I'm not going to do anything for it. The past few years has been a pain to try to get everyone together.  Last year we had 14 people say they would come and when the night came, only 4 people showed up to dinner. So I'm over trying to plan things. It really hurt my feelings last year and put a damper on the night, so I'm sparing my feelings this year. Our anniversary is 2 weeks to the day after my birthday.  Brandon is not good with the romance stuff so we will probably try to get a sitter and go to dinner or something. I want to go to Strip, I absolutely love that restaurant! Then our vacation is just a few weeks after that, so there is a lot to look forward to.  I am so ready for the cooler weather.  Fall is my absolute favorite time of the year. 

August marks 10 years of Brandon and I being together.  A whole decade.  That makes me feel old saying it that way. We have come to a break-thru in our marriage and it's really great.  We have always had a good relationship, but there is always room for improvement.  Communication was where we needed our improvement and this past week we have really turned that around and it has made things so much better. 

Now I am getting off of here and going to get some much needed relaxing time in!

Serentity. Courage. Wisdom.

We all know the Serenity Prayer, right?  I LOVE this prayer, it really has so much meaning to me. I've been wanting to get it tattooed on me for awhile, just wasn't sure where I wanted it.  Coincidentally I have also been wanting a tattoo on my right foot since I have one on my left. Well Saturday night, Brandon and I finally got a much needed date night. At the end of the night, I asked if we could go by and see if it was even feasible to get what I wanted done and get it priced. So we go in and I tell them what I wanted and how I wanted and it and they said it could be done and got a good price on it and said that we could do it that night!  I was beyond excited! So here it is:

Excuse the shadows, it was bad lighting and Brandon is standing right over it to take the picture.  This was #6 and my most painful to date!
For Those of you who are not familiar with the prayer, this is it:

God grant me...

Serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Courage to change the things I can

and

Wisdom to know the difference.

Awesome words to live by.

Terrible Two's: Fact or Fiction?

At this point I'm going to go ahead and say FACT!  My previously sweet, well mannered, well tempered child has become a tantrum throwing, messy, loud, hitting, screaming toddler. The past few times we have went out, we have had at least one episode whereas we used to go out and get so many compliments on how well behaved our child was.  So at the age of 18 months (as of tomorrow) my child seems to have officially hit the terrible two's.  

We still have our fun and when she is in a good mood, she is still the best child ever. But she has discovered her wild tantrum throwing side that is not so much fun.  The worst is the hitting.  I can't stand that.  I have popped her hand and her butt for other things, but I really don't think spanking her when she hits is effective. Telling her not to hit as I'm spanking her?  That's sending mixed signals.  So I am experimenting in the discipline area and hopefully will find something that is effective. 

Luckily her tantrums are still few(but not far between) and are still manageable.  But where she used to be content in the cart while we shop or in her high chair during dinner, she wants down and wants to wander around.  Because of this new development we are now the proud owners of a toddler backpack leash.  It's a cute little dog that is a harness and she seems to like it.  People have looked at me like I'm insane when they see her in it, but to me it just makes sense.  When she won't sit in the cart and doesn't want to hold my hand, what am I supposed to do?  I am not one to let my child scream in public and I will not let her walk around without some connection to me, so this is the perfect solution.  She gets a little deserved freedom and mommy is comfortable because she is still attached to me.

It's not all bad though. I prefer to call it the "Trying Two's" because it's not really terrible. She is at a really fun stage and we are able to do so much with her. She is like a little sponge absorbing everything around her and it's awesome to watch her transform from a baby to a little girl. Her vocabulary has really exploded these past few weeks and we can really communicate well. At the stage of development that she is at, it's easy to get frustrated and I know that's where the tantrums are stemming from.  So the best thing I can do is be patient and work with her as much as possible and try to avert frustrations before they occur.  It's a learning experience for us all, but we are doing it together.  Like with everything else, it's just a phase and it will eventually work itself out.

Mid-mid life crisis

I got my tag renewal in the mail last week and that reminded me that my 26th birthday is rapidly approaching. I'm inching closer and closer to 30. For some reason I'm having a hard time coming to terms that I'm going to be 26.  25 was easy, 26, not so much. Maybe it's the fact that now I have to dye my hair to cover the gray hairs instead of wanting to dye it because I've grown tired of the color. Maybe it's because I don't feel like I've accomplished a whole lot as an adult when I look at the people around me who have graduated college and have these awesome careers.  Maybe it's because I feel like I'm just a mom and wife. Maybe it's because I miss the feelings of when Brandon and I first started dating 10 years ago. Now we are more like a couple that have been together for 20 years. After the hustle and bustle of a busy day, you can find him in the recliner watching t.v and playing on his phone or lap top and me on the couch reading, playing on my phone or on the lap top.

So what does a person going through a mid life crisis do? They make changes.  That's what I did. I dyed my hair a different color, cut over 8 inches of it off and went and got contacts (no more glasses!). With the psoriasis gone, I feel a lot better and more confident and it's amazing how much little changes can make you feel so much better. So for now, I'm feeling a bit better, but I do have some things to work on.

Tomorrow Miss E is going with her grandparents down to Meriwether and Brandon is out of town working, so I will have the day to myself. I can't explain how much needed this is. I actually stayed up late tonight cleaning so I won't have to spend my day tomorrow doing that. I still have some stuff that I need to do, but I'm hoping for some relaxing time. Hoping is the key word there=)

Way overdue!

I feel bad that I haven't been writing much, but honestly, I don't have much going on.  

Well that's kinda true, kinda not true. We've been having several issues with our bank that is extremely stressful. Back in March we canceled Brandon's debit card and got him a new one due to fraudulent activity. Somehow, transactions are still going through on that card and they keep wiping our bank account. I know your probably thinking "well just close the account and open a new one".  If only it were that simple.  It's a joint account, so Brandon and I both have to be there, and with his schedule, that is almost impossible.  Secondly, we have so many direct drafts and his check goes direct deposit. We have to find another bank, open an account, and start moving everything over. Again, with Brandon's schedule, it's hard to go open a new account somewhere.  Hopefully he will be getting some days off since they are incident free and we can get this taken care of.  They took $3500 out this morning and cleaned us out again.  Luckily Brandon was able to get up there and sign the affidavit before getting called out, so the money should be back in tonight/tomorrow morning. 

I finally broke down and went to the dermatologist l ast Thursday. I wish I would have done it last year.  The place on the back of my head just got to where it was unbearable and I finally broke down and let Brandon look at it. He said that it looked like when Elyse had cradle cap(yuck!) and it covered the whole back of my head.  I knew that, I just didn't know what it looked like since I obviously cannot see the back of my head. I also keep getting places on my face.  Well I was diagnosed with Psoriasis and got 2 lotions, one for my eyelid and one for my scalp.  Brandon, being the amazing husband that he is, took care of putting my scalp lotion on, and no kidding, after about 3 uses (I have to use it 2x's a day), the Psoriasis on my head is GONE!  Brandon says that he can't see it at all anymore and I can't feel anything back there.  It still itches some, but that could be a mental thing.  So with it being gone, I am finally not freaked out about going and getting a haircut. It is badly needed, I just haven't gone because I haven't had the time and because I was embarrassed about my head.  I didn't know what it was so I couldn't explain it to a hair dresser.  The Dr said that Psoriasis is sometimes hereditary(sorry Miss E), but is most likely caused by emotional stress.  Since it got bad during my pregnancy with Miss E, that makes sense.  The place on my eyelid is just about gone too, you can't even really see it anymore.  I just can't even put into words what a huge relief this is.

We are still looking at houses and trying to move.  Now it's more important than ever since our distance from Brandon's job is preventing him from getting a promotion.  We've looked at at least 30 houses and just can't find anything. Hopefully we will find something soon because I really dislike living so far out. I need to be closer to family and friends. Plus we are going to the beach at the end of September and I don't want anything getting in the way of our much needed vacation. 

I got one more thing going on too, just nothing that I'm ready to talk about just quite yet=)

Little bit of this, little bit of that.

Well we found out that the house that we fell in love with already has a contract on it.  We were quite upset that our real estate agent didn't do his homework and showed us the house without knowing for sure it was available.  We haven't lost hope yet though because when we found out and called him, he called us back and said that the people haven't done any of the paperwork or anything on it, so I've been checking the website daily.  I feel bad for hoping the other people don't get it, but I still really feel like this is supposed to be our home.  

My bio dads ex girlfriend(did you get all that?) wrote me on FB today and said that she had found a bunch of pictures of me.  They would have been when I was 8 or 9 and I have no pictures from that age at all.  I told her that I would love to see them and may go meet her for lunch or dinner on Sunday.  Depending on how I feel.  I caught Brandon's cold, so I'm trying to battle it off.  I'm hoping she will let me take them and make copies of them to have.  I'm slowly but surely building up my pile of childhood pictures.  

Last Sunday we met my cousins for brunch.  I was pretty excited, we were close when we were younger.  I hadn't seen them in years, at least 7.  They've both been in some trouble and have done time, but they really seem to be trying to get their lives together and that really makes me happy.  John especially because he has a 7 year old son that needs his daddy.  I'm happy to have some contact with some of my biological family and am hopeful to see what the future holds.  They invited me over to see my aunt(who has Huntington's) and I am going to go see her.  Just haven't decided when yet.  I will have to get a baby sitter for Miss E.  I generally don't bring her around until I know for sure what is going to happen.  I try to shield her from as much of my past as I possible can.  I did bring her to see John and Chris though because there are no bad feelings with them.  They did tell my that Angie(bio mom) escaped or got let out by accident from jail and is now on the run in New Jersey.  This is the kind of crap that I want to protect Miss E from. My family is so jacked up it's just ridiculous.  Although I would like to see Angie one more time, I have some things I would like to say to her, although it probably wouldn't be a good idea.  

I spoke with my aunt(adopted) today for the first time in probably a month or so.  I got some things off my chest and now feel better.  That's the good thing about us, if I get mad I take time to cool off, I call and get everything out and then we move on.  Anyway she told me that my littler brother didn't graduate high school.  I am so disappointed.  I was really hurt that I didn't receive an announcement or invitation and it turns out that he didn't graduate.  I just can't believe it.  She said that he has been getting into trouble and lying and that is just heartbreaking to me.  I really had high hopes for him, especially because he knows where lying and getting into trouble leads to.  I just don't understand, but I will be praying for him.  I wrote him on FB and sent him a text, so hopefully he will return it.  I haven't talked to him in months, but I feel like I need to have a talk with him.  I found out that my other brother got out of jail and is already back up to his old tricks.  I will never understand the choices that he makes and why he makes them.  Even though I don't speak with my adopted mother, I can't help but feel bad for her and the crap he puts her through.  


Talking to her and listening to what all has been going on makes me so grateful that I have a normal happy life.  `I am so lucky to have a husband who loves me unconditionally and works so hard so that I can stay home with Elyse.  I am so blessed that I have a perfect healthy little girl who is a momma's girl.  I just want to put her in a little bubble and protect her from everything forever.  I know that I can't and eventually I will have to send her out into the world, but for now, I'm just fine with her being glued to my side 24-7.

Calm after the storm.

I am feeling better, I'm coming out of my funk.  Brandon has had a few days off so that has helped a lot just by having him home. 

The biggest news is that we finally got some time to go house hunting.  We sat down and mapped out the houses we wanted to see and dropped Miss E off with her Grammie.  There were a few that we didn't even have to get out of the car.  But then we found the one.  We walked the property and peeked in the doors and windows. We still had a few more to look at, but we now had a good standard set.  There really was no comparison when we saw the others.  But at least we had done the foot work and had crossed some off and had one that we both really liked. We had been emailing Century 21 and no one had responded so Brandon called twice yesterday.  We finally got someone to call us back.  He met us there at 8am this morning and we got to see the inside.  It needs some work for sure, but it's a great price.  I fell in absolute love with this house.  I really feel like this is the one.  We are calling the bank tomorrow and are going to put an offer in, so please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  Hopefully I will have some good news to update with soon!

I am tired.

Title says it all.  I am tired.  I am worn out emotionally & physically.  The past 3 weeks have been nothing short of stressful, draining, exhausting, & painful.  From the loss of our pregnancy to Annabelle's back problems and everything in between.  Brandon has been home maybe 4 nights in the past 3 weeks and that is also part of the problem.  I don't feel like I've had time to deal with everything because I can't slow down before something else happens.  I need time to heal and absorb things.  I need time to cry, time to think, and then time to get past it.  I'm getting to a point to where I feel inadequate not only as a person but as a mother and a wife.  Brandon and I got to have a talk last week that was months past due.  We have things that we need to work on in our marriage, but he isn't able to stay home long enough for us to try.  We are not divorced bound or anything like that, we just need time to re-connect as a couple.  We don't get date nights because when he is home, we don't want to get a sitter because Miss E needs time with her daddy.  But at the same time, how can we be the best parents to her if we don't have time for our own marriage?

It is making me a person that I don't like being.  I'm angry, I'm short tempered, and I have no patience.  I am able to put on a happy face for others.  And of course I would never let those emotions show around Miss E, she picks up on emotions so easily these days.  But after she is down and I have a little quiet time while I'm doing laundry, taking care of all 3 dogs, making sure Annabelle has had her medicine and physical therapy, done dishes and straightened the kitchen, those emotions come flooding over me.  Like today, Brandon is out of town and he's been in a hotel room all day (they have to reset a certain amount of hours when they work so many hours before they can come home) and he tells me that he is going to take a nap.  I found myself getting angry that he got to nap.  Not that I wanted to nap at that time, but just that he has the option to do so and I never do.  When he is home on the weekends and I look over at him in the recliner and he has dozed off, I get mad because that is never an option for me.  I can't just do whatever I want when I want and it's almost like I get jealous that he can do what he wants when he wants.

I love my daughter more than life itself, more than I can put into words.  I don't like getting a babysitter because I love being with her.  I love the time that we spend together.  But sometimes I just need some "me" time.  I don't get that at all being a SAHM.  I feel guilty even saying that, but it is the truth.  Sometimes I want to sleep past 8am or take a long shower uninterrupted, or just be able to jump in my car and run errands without having to worry about "do I have snacks, cup, diapers, wipes, paci, extra clothes"?  I am so blessed to have such a great child, she is so sweet and comparably low maintenance than other toddlers, so it makes me very guilty to feel like this.

I feel like I have broken down and I just for some reason can't build myself back up again.  God please help me get past this.  

When life throws you lemons, throw them right back.

It has been a whole week since that awful day...and I still think about it daily.  

It has been a really busy week though and it has stopped me from thinking about it as much as I would have if I had not been busy.  My little malti-poo Annabelle has a sprained back.  I had to take her to the animal hospital last Saturday(the day after the awful day).  She stopped eating, drinking, and she would not come out from under Miss E's bed.  I have to move the bed to pick her up to make her go to the bathroom.  She was also hunched and looked like she was having difficulty walking and was yelping in pain.  I had to drive to Woodstock with Miss E in tow, but it was SO worth it.  I loved that vet!  They were amazing with my toddler and with Annabelle.  They said she had a sprained back and gave her some pain meds and we came home.  Well over the week she has gotten worse and so back to the vet we went.  This time we went back to our normal vet.  I wish I would have driven back to Woodstock.  Anyway, they x-rayed her back and it was perfect(yay!) and she did a full fecal loop to make sure there were no obstructions(none).  Now she is on her pain meds, a steroid, and a muscle relaxer.  I also have to "towel walk" her everyday.  She has to go back on Monday to check her progress.  There was some improvement tonight, she came out from under the bed by herself to eat.  Those are 2 huge things=)

I found some more relatives of mine on Facebook.  My 2 cousins(my biological moms sisters kids).  I was pretty excited about that.  But of course with the good comes the bad.  Turns out my grandfather has Parkinson's and my aunt has Huntington's.  Don't know what they are, look them up, it's not pleasant.  And here's the best part...they are genetic.  My grandmother passed from something like that (She was bi-polar and schizophrenic).  I'm seriously considering getting a genetic test done.  I feel like I'm doomed to wind up with one or more of these horrible illnesses.  I'm conflicted on doing the testing though, I feel like if it comes back with something then I will obsess over it and I don't want to live my life like that.  My type A personality really takes over on these sorts of things.  I think I have to know.  I'm not worried about myself as much as I worry about Miss E.  That's the thing about being a mother, you never want to pass any bad genetics down to your children and this is absolutely killing me that I have such a crappy bloodline.  All I can do is pray that God spares my children from suffering from these illnesses.

Brandon has not been home in weeks.  Seriously, he's been home like 4 nights in the past 3 weeks.  I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders right now and it's not helping that he hasn't been here with me.  He's supposed to be coming home tomorrow afternoon and I'm praying that he gets to.  Miss E needs her daddy home and I need my husband home.  I'm tired of being lonely.

One last thing, it looks like we aren't going to be getting that house in Powder Springs after all.  I'm not hugely disappointed because I had a lot of issues with that house(read previous posts).  The only thing I hate is that we aren't going to be as close to Brandon's parents as we wanted.  People look at me like I'm crazy when I mentioned that we were going to be neighbors with my in-laws because I guess most people don't want to live that close to their in-laws.  I am not one of those people.  I love my in-laws and really wanted to live within walking distance to them.  We are all really close(yet they respect our privacy) and I just love it.  They are like the family I didn't have growing up.  Anyway now we are looking at houses in Hiram, which I am more comfortable with than Powder Springs.  There are some really nice houses in our price range that are move in ready, and that is a huge plus!  I was not looking forward to rebuilding a house.  I'm actually really excited about house hunting again and hopefully Brandon will stay home long enough for us to go looking.

Okay so this is the last thing I promise.  I'm really excited to say that we will be taking a vacation this year!  In September we will be taking Miss E down to Florida and I am really excited about it! We need a whole week, just the 3 of us to have some quality family time. That's all now=)

Picking Wildflowers

These past 5 days have certainly been rough.  I don't know if it was a test of faith or what, but they have certainly made me realize a few things.  Firstly, I had to start my Monday off by testing again, and it was a very clear negative.  Which means my levels are back down and I can start my birth control again.  I really thought that this would just ruin my day, but it hasn't.  Miss E has been extra snuggly today so my focus has been on her.  

First off it's made me realize that I do want a second child.  Just not now.  I want more time with just the 3 of us.  It's such a special time and I love that all of my focus is on Miss E.  I don't want to miss anything with her because I'm dealing with a newborn.  I also don't want to make her grow up faster, I want her to stay little as long as possible.  

Secondly, it's made me realize that I have some amazing friends in my life.  Brandon and I didn't make anything public, only 2 of my friends knew.  So unless people read my blog they would have no idea.  I called Angela the day I had the positive pregnancy test and she dropped everything and rushed right over to be with me.  I was in complete shock and she was there.  The next day when I found out that it was a chemical pregnancy, Erin made a surprise visit when she got off work and brought me some beautiful flowers.  She lives nowhere near me and went really far out of her way to come be with me.  It meant so much to me because between her full time job and going to school full time and her family, she is extremely busy. It was nice just to have someone to sit with me so I wasn't alone.  Then on Sunday Misty called me first thing in the am and said that she had read my blog and was going to cancel her photo session that day so we could take the kids to the wildflower field.  When we got off the phone I was in tears that she would do that for me.  She is a photographer and she wanted to spend the day with me over making money.  We headed up there and this place was the absolute cutest place I have ever seen in my life!  She got some ridiculously cute pics of our kiddos and it was just so much fun and much needed.  Here are some of the pics(completely unedited)

 Like I said, ridiculously cute! Shameless plug alert... http://www.mistydawnphotography.com/...She does great pics at very affordable prices=)

Anyway after our adventures in the wildflowers, we went and ate at Logans, by then the kiddos were starving!  Miss E and I finally made it home at almost 10.  Just an overall perfect day!

I'm very lucky and thankful to have such wonderful people in my life. 


 

Fri the 13th...the day my heart was absolutely broken.

I officially hate Friday the 13th.  Today was one of the worse days of my lives.

The past week or so I've just felt off.  Like my hormones were messing with me.  I started my period on the 5th so I chalked it up to pms.  It lasted 4 days and I just felt weird still.  Wed and Thurs my sense of smell was off the charts.  Pregnancy hadn't really entered my mind because I thought it was impossible.  Yesterday morning I really felt like I needed to take a test.  So I did and lo and behold there was a pink line.  Needless to say I was in complete shock.  I'm on birth control which I take at the same time every day.  I sat the test on my bar and every time I walked by I would glance and every time there was still a line.  I even called my friend over just to make sure I wasn't seeing things.  She saw it too.  Brandon is out of town working and I knew there was no way I could wait til he got home to tell him, so we packed up to get Miss E a "big sister" shirt.  I took this picture with the caption "Yep" and sent it to him:

 

Needless to say it didn't take him very long to call me!  I will admit that I was just in complete shock.  There was never a "oh crap not now" thought, it was just shock.  When I woke up this morning, I was feeling at peace.  I was actually kinda excited at the thought of another doodle!  I called the dr and they were able to get me in.  I get there and the nurse did the standard test.  It was + but very faint.  She gave me a due date of 1.12.12.  Which is Miss E's 2nd birthday.  I thought that was a good sign.  I get back to the room and the dr comes in.  He gets the doppler out and after a few minutes I hear the dreaded words "can't find a heartbeat".  This is devastating.  But in the back of my head I'm thinking, well maybe I'm just not far enough along yet to hear the heartbeat.  He sends me across the hall for an ultrasound.  She comes in and there is nothing there.  Nothing.  The dr comes back in and tells me that it's a chemical pregnancy, which means the sperm fertilized the egg, but never implanted.  You still get all the symptoms and a + test.  The period I thought I had was actually my body flushing my system.  He told me to test again on Monday and it should be negative.  If it's not then I have to go back to get my HCG levels checked.  

This was a lot to take in before noon.  

I had to call Brandon and tell him over the phone.  He's still out of town and won't be back until Monday at the earliest.  My friend surprised me with a visit after I told her what happened and she brought me some beautiful white roses.  That really made my day.  I can't even begin to explain what that meant to me.  

This was all within a 24 hour time period. It's just so much to take in all at once.  I told Brandon that I guess I needed to return Miss E's shirt(it's actually a pj set) and he said not too, to put it up for when we would need it.  I'm secretly really glad I don't have to return it.  

I'm dreading testing again and seeing a negative.  Brandon said that I could wait until Tues so he could look at it for me so I wouldn't have to see it.  It really sucks having the symptoms knowing there's no baby there.  The dr told me I would have them until my HCG and progesterone levels were back to normal.

Since Miss E's been asleep, I've had time to think and that's a dangerous thing.  I realized that I was miscarrying on Mother's Day and didn't even know it. This whole experience sucks.  I don't see a silver lining, a bright side.  I don't know why God chose to let me know and then take it away 24 hours later.  If I hadn't tested or if I would have waited to test, it would have been negative and I would have never known.  

I would have never known.

I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

It occurred to me today that I haven't blogged in awhile.  I've been a whirlwind of emotion lately and this is the first time that I've had silence to sit and gather my thoughts.

So good ol' Facebook stalking has worked it's magic again.  First I found my 3 foster sisters, then I found my 4 old best friends from Thomasville (6th grade), now the sperm donor's (dad) ex-girlfriend pops back into my life.  As I've said in previous posts, my bio father is not someone that I ever talk about.  Ever.  I lived with him for a short while when I was 8 or 9 and I don't remember hardly anything, but of course the bad things that still to this day give me nightmares and keep me awake.  He haunts my memory and I hate that after all this time he still has control over me.  But the good that I remember was his girlfriend at the time.  Her name was Linda and I took to her immediately.  She would take me shopping, let me listen to what I wanted to on the radio, I would talk to her about any and everything and she would always listen.  She would let me sleep with her when I couldn't sleep, she was just an amazing person.  When I got taken away from Bob(sperm donor), I lost contact with her along with my brother and sister.  I've tried numerous times to find them on Facebook with absolutely no luck.  So I was quite surprised when I awoke to a message from Linda. She told me that she and Bob broke up almost 20 years ago and that my brother was serving time in prison last she heard(big freaking surprise) and she has no idea about my sister. She said that the last she heard Bob had moved on to have more children.  I already have 5 siblings and now I may have more that I don't even know at all.  This weighs really heavily on my heart. She wants to meet up with me and have dinner so we can catch up.  She said that my aunt and uncle(Joe and Cindy) always said that I would find my way back to them.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  I love knowing where Linda is and the chance to meet and catch up with her, but at the same time, I'm terrified of the emotion and what memories may come back to me.  I've been trying for so long to bury my past and forget the pain.  Joe and Cindy never did anything to me and I hold nothing against them, but they are related to him and I'm just not sure I can handle it.  But it would be nice to finally have some biological family in the picture.  The one thing I know for sure is that I cannot see him.  I'm just not strong enough.

On another note, the moving plans are still going.  We finally found a bank to do the kind of loan we want, so now we have to get pre-approved for a mortgage and things will finally get rolling=)  Had to throw something good in there!

My sister in law graduated college this past Saturday.  I had to drop Miss E off over at my friends house at 7:45 and of course Brandon had gotten called out at 4am so I was on my own.  When I got to my friends house I slammed my thumb in my car door.  Luckily they had an ice pack and pain meds to get me through the morning (thank God!)  It was NOT my morning, I made it there right at 9, but luckily she was in the last group so I didn't miss anything.  When Brandon and I started dating, his sister was in middle school, so I feel like I've gotten to see her grow up and I feel like she is my sister too.  I'm so proud of her and I'm so glad that I got to see her graduate.  She is a genuinely good person with a good heart and those people are far too few.  After the ceremony was over I had to go pick up Miss E.  When I got there she was sleeping, she took a 3 hour nap!  This kid never sleeps that long.  So I stayed there and waited for her to get up.  Poor thumb is still throbbing.  Brandon calls and says he's home.  By the time she gets up and we get on the road, Brandon calls back and says that he got called out again.  Meaning that he had to miss the graduation party that night.  We got home in time to eat a late lunch and play and then get ready for the party.  Miss E had so much fun, she was a little social butterfly, but at 9 it was time to go to get her in bed.  Brandon made it home at about 1 am, I was fast asleep thanks to percocet=)

Sunday was Mother's Day.  By this time I was ready to saw my thumb off myself bc of the pain. Anyway, I've learned to not have expectations on holidays and birthdays because disappointment sucks.  Not that Brandon doesn't have good intentions (sometimes), he just doesn't get it.  I told him 2 months ago that I wanted Chelsea Handler tickets and my canvas picture mounted.  Easy enough right?  So that morning, I got up with Miss E while he slept in 2 hours.  Right before her nap, he gives me my present.  He got me a camcorder.  I almost laughed.  It's a great gift and something that I really wanted so I wasn't upset or anything, it was just really funny that I told him exactly what to get and I wound up with a camcorder lol!  Not complaining though because I really do love it.  The day was just like any other day, nothing special and that kinda sucked.  I wish I could have woken up to breakfast in bed (or breakfast period) and flowers and a cute little homemade card that he had Miss E make me.  But I digress.  Like I said, poor guy just doesn't get it.  I did tell him that on Father's day that I was sleeping in.


And to end on a positive note, Miss E's adhesion opened up!  After just a few days of using the cream there was a huge difference.  Sunday was the 2 week mark and it was completely open and a huge prayer answered!  Not to say that it won't close again, but we will cross that bridge if/when we get there.  Miss E is seriously the best thing ever.  She constantly makes me smile and she is just amazing.  She's so smart and doing new things everyday, luckily I have my handy camcorder to record the memories=)

Bit of a rocky start, but a great ending=)

We've had a rough week with Miss E.  Poor baby has been running a fever since Sunday so I took her to the Dr on Thursday.  He checks her out and says that everything looks good, no rash, throat is good, ears are good, so he wants to get a urine sample to check for a UTI or bladder infection.  I immediately ask how he plans on doing so and he says that they have to do a catheter.  My heart just sank.  So the nurses come in and we lay her down and the nurse can't get the catheter in.  She tries about 7 times before the 2nd nurse took over and tried.  She tried and tried and finally I told them to stop, if it wasn't going in to stop tormenting my child.  I mean she is screaming to the point that she is choking and purple.  The nurse says that where the catheter is supposed to go in is fused shut so the dr will have to come look at it.  She then attaches a bag to Miss E to try to catch urine that way.  Well the nurses come back in about 30 minutes later to check and sure enough, she had peed but the nurse didn't attach the bag right so it caught a drop at most.  When she took the bag off, it left marks on my poor baby and she was just in so much pain.  The nurses told me that the stuff they had to swab her with for the catheter would make it burned when she peed, so that was just one more thing to add to the pile.  So the dr finally comes back in and tells us they were able to test her urine from the drop and it came back negative.  So the fever could be a viral thing or Roseola and the rash from that won't appear until the fever is gone.  So waiting game on that.  He then proceeds to check her and poor baby is already screaming bc of what she went through with the nurses.  He tells me that she is closed where she is supposed to be open so we have to use a cream for 2 weeks and if she doesn't open on her own then she has to have surgery.  So we are praying that the cream works bc I do not want my daughter to have surgery, esp that kind of surgery.  So after being there for 2.5 hours and Miss E is just so exhausted (the appt was scheduled during nap time so she didn't get her normal nap) and traumatized, we finally head home.  We took her out to dinner last night and took her to Target so she could pick out a new toy and she loved that.

Today we took her to the zoo.  But before I go into that, I just have to tell this.  This morning I had Miss E on my lap and I was feeling her fore head checking for a fever when I jokingly told her to go get her Tylenol.  Well she hopped off of my lap and walked into the bedroom.  I looked and Brandon and he looked at me and said "she's actually looking on your nightstand'!  Well a few seconds later she walked out holding her Tylenol and handed it to me!  We couldn't believe it!   She will bring us her toys or shoes if we ask, but this just blew our minds.  We are raising a little genius=)  Anyway, she had a blast at the zoo, she pointed to all the animals and smiled at them.  She did so good.  She loved the petting zoo, I got a great video of her.  I wish I could find my adapter so I could share some pictures.  So she's hopefully forgotten all about the events of yesterday.  We hope to be able to take her to an Easter Egg Hunt in the morning and then of course Easter is Sunday and she's got all kinds of goodies=)  It's going to be like Christmas all over again, we may have went just a bit overboard, but she is such a great kid and she really deserves it.  

Letting Go

This past week has been mostly spent cleaning out and organizing our office turned catch all room.  Yesterday as I was going through a box that has been on the top shelf tucked in the back of the closet and I found my old diaries from middle school(when I first moved up to Mableton).  There were 3 different diaries and in the very bottom of the box was a letter from my birth mom.  I thought that I had put all of those up a long time ago, but this one didn't get put up with the rest.  I of course opened it and read it. There was one letter to me and one letter to Tyler.  It was dated Aug 18th 2007.  In the letter she had told me to give Ray and Elaine a chance (this was before the thought of adoption) and that they were really good people.  I put the letters back in the envelope and started reading the diaries.  Almost every page was the same thoughts.  Besides the normal rantings and gushings of a 12 year old, it was "why doesn't she like me?"  "She's never going to love me like she loves Levi" and "please let her be in a good mood today".  It brought me back to that house and the tension and the nights spent crying myself to sleep.  I hated that feeling.  As I opened up the last diary that my Gram gave me, I saw what she had written on the first page:

Notice the date on it.  Aug 18, 1997.  She told me to let go of the past.  So that's exactly what I did yesterday.  I tore that page out and threw all 3 diaries away.  I tore the pages up in little pieces and they all went to the trash.  And it felt really good.  It's like I'm throwing away all those bad memories and all the hurt and insecurities with them.  Goodbye past, I don't need your burden anymore.

It's Official!

The Hollis' are moving!  Brandon has been out of town and when he called last night we were talking about it and he asked what I was thinking.  I told him that I was really leaning towards yes and he said that he was too.  So the call has been made and hopefully we will start the process next week on his stress days.  I haven't announced it on FB yet, I probably won't for awhile, but I'm so excited.  I feel like this is the right decision for us.  I knew I was leaning towards moving when I finally got my butt in the office and started cleaning it out.  Anyone who knows us knows that the office is the door that stays closed all the time.  Partially because you couldn't open the door because of all the stuff in there.  That was where I threw everything when it had no other place.  I knew when I finally broke down and cleaned the hall closet out that the office was next.  Miss E and I have been back there a couple of nights now and we have made huge progress. I'm very excited about it, if you can't tell=)  Anyway, back to the topic.  I'm nervous about the time frame of the rebuilding and moving because of Brandon's work schedule.  Here lately they have been gone more than they have been home.  I can only do so much because 1) I have Miss E and 2) He has the truck and I have a car.  I can pack and do all that stuff. Heck I could have this whole upstairs packed and ready to go in a day if Miss E had a sitter.  Anyone who knows me knows that that is not an exaggeration.  Oh well, God lead us to make the decision so I have faith that He will make it possible too.

Decisions decisions...

I posted awhile back about the possibility of moving.  Well Brandon's dad called last night and said that if we want that house then it is ours.  I've prayed about it since it became a thought a few months ago and went with the mentality that if it's meant to be then then Darryl(Brandon's dad) will call and say that Debbie(house owner) called and said we can have it for x amount.  If said amount was what we were thinking then we would do it.  So now Darryl is awaiting our decision.  I listed all the pro's and con's in the last post so I won't do that again.  But my heart is torn.  I don't know what to do. 

Old Meagan is not here anymore...and she's not coming back=)

This is my 2nd night of no husband and no baby.  It wasn't planned, just kind of happened that way.  As I'm laying here in my bed I realize that I just don't know what to do with myself.  I've never been away from Miss E this long(if I had it my way she would be here right now).  I'm used to Brandon being gone because of his job, but I always have Miss E.  I'm not used to being completely alone anymore.  Last night I couldn't fall asleep until 3 am and then I was up at 8 bc I had to take the dogs to the groomers.  When I got home to my empty house with no husband, kid or dogs, you can really imagine how I felt.  

Is it possible that in becoming a wife and a mother (and a sahm at that) that I've lost Meagan along the way somewhere?  I'm most certainly not the same person I was before becoming a mother, but I think they were all good changes.  Instead of going out and drinking and staying out all night, I'm researching vaccinations, benefits of ERF, and snuggling with my daughter.  I'm quite content with staying home on a Friday night and playing with Miss E and spending time with my husband.  I don't feel the need to go out and drink anymore.  Not to say there aren't times when I've felt like I could use a good drink, but I just have no interest in it anymore.  But most people would give anything or 2 nights of "freedom" and here I am on a Saturday night laying in bed wishing that my baby was asleep beside me.  I do okay with her spending one night away, but this is the first time that she has spent two nights away and I'm beside myself.  I had a great day, I got to have lunch with my best friend Erin and then I got to come home for a couple of hours and do absolutely nothing and then I had dinner with my other best friend Misty and her son Ayden.  I love getting to sit down with just me and her and talk, we seriously talk for hours and it's just great.  She's one of those people that I really enjoy being around and don't have to fake enjoy being around.  Those kind of people are few and far in between so it was truly a treat to get to do that with 2(3 including Mr. Ayden) of my favorite people today.  


So I guess that I haven't lost myself at all, I've just become a different  Meagan and that's okay with me.  I never dreamed that one little 26 lb person could have such a hold of my heart but man does she.  She controls every thought and action.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I want my life back.

This is something that is really hard for me to talk about.  My weight is something that I have been struggling with for years now and it's to the point where I'm truly depressed and have very bad self esteem issues.  

When I was in high school, I was very thin.  I had a great metabolism and I was pretty active.  Even then I had self esteem issues due to my adopted mother always pointing out the negative and my aunt would grab my sides and say "look I can pinch an inch", just little stuff like that.  Teenage girls are already so sensitive about this so why they would say that is beyond me.  Looking back, I would give anything to look like that again.  

I moved out when I was 17 and into my friend's house.  It was when I moved out of there that I started gaining weight.  I worked full time as a waitress and ate like crap.  I ate McDonald's late at night bc it was the only thing open when I got off of work late at night.  Not to mention all the drinking I did.  I was 18 and the only person out of all of my friends that had their own place and my room mate was a major drinker so we did a lot of partying.  I knew I was gaining but I was young and didn't care.  I figured a few times on the treadmill and I would be fine.  I probably would have been if I would have gotten my butt on the treadmill.

As the years went by, I just kept getting bigger.  I wish I would have stopped and said enough, but now I'm here, the biggest I have ever been and completely miserable.  I feel completely out of place and I hate seeing people that I haven't seen since high school because I know what they are thinking.  As much as I love my in-laws, I don't really like going to family functions because they are all really small people and I'm the biggest one there.  It's so uncomfortable and I feel like everyone is judging me.  

When I got pregnant with Miss E, I was so sick that I actually lost 20lbs my first trimester.  People kept commenting on how great I looked.  Being pregnant was like a break for me.  I finally didn't have to obsess about my weight, people looked at me and I was the pregnant girl, not the fat girl.  I still ate very healthy during the pregnancy, I did not want to gain too much as I was heavy to begin with. I was not one of those people that ate everything because I had an "excuse". Every time I went for my Dr. appointments, I would step on the scale backwards because I didn't want to know.  After I had her, I felt like a deflated balloon.  My self esteem was at an all time low.  People kept saying "oh you just had a baby so you have an excuse" or "well you had a c-section so it's going to be harder".  But now that Miss E is almost 14.5 months old, I can't say "Oh I just had a baby".  I stopped saying that when she was about 10 months old.  I wasn't going to be one of those women who say they never lost their baby weight when their kid is 5.  


I actually got down below my pre-pregnancy weight when Miss E was just a couple of months old.  Breastfeeding is amazing for weight loss!  But I had a lot of issues with my iron and with postpartum bleeding.  I bled for 18 weeks and was very anemic.  I had to have progesterone shots AND take progesterone pills(2 a day).  For anyone who doesn't know, that's Depo and is awful.  I gained 26 lbs in a month.  It did stop the bleeding and my iron came up, unfortunately the weight stayed.  


I started Weight Watchers about a month and a half ago.  I lost about 15 lbs and now I'm stuck.  I still eat the same things for breakfast and lunch just about every day.  I do eat a more than I should for dinner, but I don't eat horribly.  I still do my elliptical.  I don't know why it is so hard for me to lose weight.  I had a thyroid test done about 3 years ago and it was fine.  I'm due for my annual, which I dread because my MIL is the office manager and has access to my records, meaning she can see my weight.  My Dr. may want me to do another thyroid test, who knows.  


In a few days, I'm going to start a very strict diet.  It's going to be extremely hard and I will probably be a nutcase for a week or so until my body adjusts.  But if it works then it will be worth it.  I'm more determined than ever.  I want to be healthy for myself, but more importantly for my daughter.  I want to be able to play with her and keep up with her.  I don't want to be the fat mom.  I want my self esteem to come back and to feel attractive again.  I just want my life back.

A big change...possibly.

For the past few months my husband and I have been toying with the idea of moving.  We've outgrown our house and we really would like to be closer to family since his job demands so much of his time and he is gone a lot.  

I have mixed emotions about this for many reasons.  The first is that this house feels like home.  It's taken many years for it to feel that way and it didn't truly feel like home until the day we brought Miss E home.  When my husband built this house and moved in 6 years ago he had an old recliner and the box that his trash can came in as a table.  Now it has morphed into a home with so many memories.  Everywhere I look there is a different memory.  Over on the couch is where Brandon proposed to me on Christmas morning 2007.  It's where we started our lives together.  It's where we came and called everyone we knew when we found out we were going to be parents.  It's where we brought Elyse home and she has had all of her firsts. The backyard is my turtle Ricky is buried in a little box.  It's going to be so hard to leave all these memories here.  

The house Brandon is wanting, I'm not too crazy about.  He tells me when can make it whatever we want it to be but I don't see the potential he does.  It was a victim of the flood in 2009 and is completely gutted.  The foundation is still there, we would just rebuild the inside and change the floor plan.  It has it's up's and downs.  I like the fact that Elyse's room would be right next to ours.  It has 4 bedrooms but Brandon want's to knock the wall down to one and make it a dining room.  Our room would still be big and looks almost like ours does now.  The bathroom is not near as big so Brandon said he would find a way to make it comparable to ours now.  I'm spoiled with my big bathroom and my own closet. There's also a building that Brandon could finally store all of his stuff in.  He's been wanting a building and here he would get it. And for the price we could possible get it and rebuild, our mortgage would be about half of what it is now.  The best part is that the backyard backs up to Brandon's parents yard.  We would be in walking distance which would be great!  Some people think that I'm nuts to want to live that close to my in-laws, but honestly I love the idea.  It would be great to have help when Brandon is gone for weeks at a time and to have company because it gets lonely.  I'm lucky and don't have the "dreaded" MIL.  I love my MIL, she has always treated me like on of her own.  Miss E loves her Grammie and I know she would love to be closer to her.

The downs are that if my IL's get a buy out (bc of the flood)  they will be moving and that's the biggest reason of us wanting that house.  I don't know where they would move to, but it wouldn't be within walking distance.  It doesn't have a basement or an attic(like we do now) and I'm just scared that we won't have enough space.  If we do move A LOT of stuff would not be coming with us though.  It's a good opportunity to de-clutter.  The neighborhood is old and the schools are not great.  Of course this is a short term arrangement.  We can flip it (if the market comes back up) before Miss E gets school age.  The yard looks awful, I guess because of the flood.  I want a big yard that Miss E can play in and we can have a swing-set and a baby pool for her. I want her to be able to play outside.  We don't have that here.  We have plenty of land, just not usable yard.  And most importantly, I'm afraid that it won't ever get finished.  My husband is the biggest procrastinator and his job is so demanding that I'm afraid of living between 2 houses indefinitely.  

We don't even know if this house will be available yet.  The owner is waiting to see if she will make anything on the buy out.  We are looking into other houses as well.  I guess I'm just going to continue to pray on it and see where God leads us.